


Nowhere To Run

by Mystic_reader



Category: Supernatural RPF AU - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Mental Illness, attempted suicide, talk of past non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-22
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 11:58:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/188669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystic_reader/pseuds/Mystic_reader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of depression and suicidal behavior, 17 year old Jensen Ackles is sent to a psychiatric ward for treatment. There, he meets Jared Padalecki, an unstable 16 year old with a major anger problem. It’s lust (love?) at first sight, but their doctors believe their relationship is unhealthy and try to separate them. So when they see their chance for escape, they take it and run. After a wild week on the road, both boys learn that there are some things you just can’t run away from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Jared/Jensen AU. Written for spn_j2_bigbang 2010. Inspired by and partially based on the Lifetime movie "On The Edge Of Innocence".

It was just after midnight the night Jensen stormed out of the house and tore out of the driveway in his mother’s Lexus. He was going too fast, but Jensen really didn’t care as he struggled to right the car around a particularly sharp turn. Tightening his fingers on the wheel, he stepped on the accelerator and skidded around the corner at the end of the block, streaking the pavement in his wake.

The world outside was a blur, from either his speed or the tears in his eyes, it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. They could all go to hell – his mother, the fucking shrink. He wasn’t going to let them do this. He’d be 18 soon, and then they couldn’t do it. He just had to get away.

_Where you gonna to go, huh? There’s no place they can’t get to you._

Fuck. Jensen was so tired – tired of trying, tired of caring.

_I know you, and I know you can’t handle it. You can’t run anymore. You can’t hide from it this time._

The car swerved as he wiped the tears from his eyes. Jensen barely had time to jerk the wheel back and avoid taking out someone’s mailbox.

_You know what you have to do._

There was no question about it. And just like that, Jensen could breathe again. The rush of fear and adrenaline were replaced by a sense of calm. His crying ceased and his grip on the steering wheel loosened. He knew what he was going to do now. He knew where he was going, the big tree at the end of the Donaldson’s property. It was perfect.

He had to slow down a little as he came around the last corner but he sped up again as the tree came into sight. Finally. There was no more thinking, no more feeling, just determination, before everything went black.

~~~~~

  
“Jensen, are you listening?”

The voice seemed to be coming from far away, and it took Jensen a moment to concentrate enough to realize his mother was talking to him. When he forced himself to drag his attention back to her face, he saw she was sitting next to him, her brow furrowed in concern.

“You need to pay attention, Jensen,” she said, reaching out to give his arm a light squeeze. “Dr. Stewart is talking to you.”

Jensen’s therapist, Dr. Stewart, was sitting across from them behind a large desk, looking at Jensen with well-practiced sympathy. Jensen was so not in the mood for this.

“Your mother was just telling me about what brought you here today. But I’d rather hear about it from you.”

Jensen crossed his arms and slouched down into his chair. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I understand that, I do. But you’re here so we can help you and in order to do that, you’re going to have to talk about things that make you uncomfortable.”

Jensen sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor.

“Jensen…” his mother started.

Jensen rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Fine. I was upset, so I went for a drive.”

“Uh huh.” The doctor said, tapping his pencil on the desk.

“And I got in an accident.”

This was stupid. They already knew all this; Jensen could see the accident report and the photographs of the wreckage lying on the desk.

“They think I did it on purpose, but I didn’t.” He glanced briefly at his mom and then back to the doctor. It was clear from the look on their faces that they didn’t believe him.

“I didn’t!”

Dr. Stewart glanced down at the photos in front of him and said, “You wrapped your car around a tree going almost 50 miles an hour.”

“It was an accident.”

“According to the police report, there wasn’t any obvious reason for you to swerve off the road, and there were no skid marks.”

Jensen didn’t respond to that. He clenched his hands into fists and looked back at the floor.

“You said you were upset. Can you tell me what about?”

Gritting his teeth, Jensen ground out, “I don’t remember.”

“I told him I wanted to get him some help,” his mother said and Jensen cringed.

_Help, my ass. Tell him the truth._

“She wanted to lock me up!”

“You weren’t giving me much of a choice, Jensen! You stopped eating. You slept constantly, refused to leave the house. You were seeing things, hearing things. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let you go on like that.”

Deep down, Jensen understood where she was coming from, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

~~~~~

  
With a sprawling campus on 52 acres, Riverview looked nice enough on the outside. Jensen couldn't understand why it was called Riverview though cause there wasn't a damned river in sight. In fact, the four main buildings of the campus seemed to be surrounded by grass fields for as far as the eye could see.

The building they took Jensen to was four stories high. The main entrance was gated and locked and after walking down a series of long hallways, and going through several more gates, they finally arrived at what Dr. Stewart called Ward A, where Jensen would be staying.

Inside, the place looked like a hospital—sterile, with pale blue carpeting and bare walls. The hall was empty, lacking even a plant for decoration. Jensen liked it, the wide open space gave him room to breathe.

His mother tried to give him a hug but Jensen brushed her off, rolling his eyes when she sucked in a choked breath and wiped back her tears. Jensen didn’t buy it for a second. She was getting what she wanted, her crazy son locked up and out of her hair.

After saying goodbye, Jensen was left with an orderly who introduced himself as Ben. Jensen immediately hated him. The man’s dark hair and blue eyes reminded him a little too much of someone he used to know. Someone he would much rather forget about.

With one last look at the locked doors behind him, Jensen followed Ben around the corner to the nurse’s station, where one of the nurses was clearly waiting for him.

“I’m Anna Maria,” she said, her eyes gleaming as she gave Jensen a friendly smile. She was attractive, with dark brown hair and copper skin that stood out against the harsh white of her scrubs. Jensen tried to smile back but a slight twitch of his lip was all he could manage.

_It doesn’t matter. They don’t really care about you._

“I know,” Jensen muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Anna Maria asked as she sat two little paper cups on the counter in front of Jensen.

“Nothing. What’s this?” Jensen nodded down at the cups. One of them held two pills, the other, some water.

“This is your medication. Dr. Stewart proscribed 250 mg. of Lithium and 400 mg of Seroquel.”

Jensen shook his head. “I don’t need any pills.”

Anna Maria’s smile disappeared and she glanced over Jensen’s shoulder at Ben.

“We’re not going to have a problem here, are we?” Ben asked, his hand coming down to squeeze Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen jerked away and took a step out of reach. Ben nodded and took his own step back, hands raised in the air.

“I’m sure Jensen isn’t going to give us any trouble, are you Jensen?” a gruff voice said and Jensen turned to see an older man approaching. He was taller than Jensen, with a dark beard and sharp eyes, dressed casually in jeans and a white button up shirt.

“I’m Dr. Morgan, the director here. I’ll be your case manager,” He held out a hand for Jensen to shake.

Jensen ignored the gesture. “I don’t need any pills.”

The doctor stepped around Jensen and reached for the pills. “I’ll take these for now, Anna Maria. Jensen, why don’t you leave your bag with Ben and come with me to my office.”

“I’ll keep my bag, thanks.” Jensen didn’t even know what was in the duffel his mother had packed for him, but he knew he wasn’t handing it over to strangers.

“Sorry, house rules.” Morgan said. “There are certain things you’re not allowed to have here, so we need to have a look at what you brought. We also need you to empty out your pockets. You can put whatever you have on you up there on the counter. We’ll make sure you get it back.”

With a heavy sigh, Jensen handed over his bag and pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. “I need to keep this.”

Morgan shook his head. “Sorry, no electronics.”

Jensen groaned. Morgan chuckled. “It’s okay,” he said, “you won’t need it in here.”

 

Morgan’s office was in a different wing, which could only be reached through another set of locked doors. The décor was different there. The carpet was a rich chocolate brown that complemented the furnishings and there was a small seating area with two comfortable-looking, dark burgundy chairs. They matched the subtle shading on a loveseat against the wall. There were plants scattered about and paintings on the walls. It was such a drastic difference from A-wing that Jensen couldn’t help but gape.

Morgan noticed Jensen’s slack jaw and wide eyes and chuckled lightly.

“We keep A–wing a little sparse in an effort to protect the patients. Some of them can get violent. We like to keep the halls clear of anything that could hurt someone. It’s safer that way.”

Jensen nodded and continued to follow the doctor, but when they arrived at Morgan’s office, Jensen stopped dead in his tracks. No way was he going in there.

Dr. Morgan opened the brightly painted red door and turned to look at Jensen, who stood frozen in the hallway.

“You wanna come in?” Morgan asked, and Jensen shook his head.

“Can’t,” he said simply.

He expected the doctor to argue with him, but he didn’t. He stood in the doorway and looked at Jensen with inquisitive eyes.

“Is there a reason why you can’t come in?” He expected sarcasm, but the man only sounded curious, so Jensen told him.

“Red means stop. And it isn’t safe.”

Morgan seemed to consider that for a moment, then said, “Ok, but I can promise you, Jensen, that this is a safe place. Nothing can hurt you here. I’ll leave the door open, but I need you to trust me when I say that it’s safe to come in.”

Jensen didn’t move as he considered the doctor’s words. The man did seem nice enough, and Jensen really didn’t want to stop here forever, so eventually he rescinded and stepped into the office.

Dr. Morgan did leave the door open, which made Jensen feel marginally better. And when Morgan motioned for Jensen to have a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, Jensen did.

He expected Morgan to sit behind the desk, but the older man took the seat next to Jensen instead. He even slouched a bit, resting his elbows on his knees to bring himself to eye-level with Jensen.

“Do you know why you’re here, Jensen?”

Jensen shrugged, but the doctor waited patiently for him, like he had all the time in the world. Finally, Jensen said, “Ok. Yeah, I do.”

Morgan nodded. “You’ve been diagnosed with an illness called Schizoaffective Disorder,” he said. “Did they explain that to you?”

Jensen shook his head. This was the first time he’d heard that.

_See, I told you they thought you were crazy._

Jensen listened silently as Morgan explained Jensen’s brain chemistry and some of the symptoms of his illness.

“Depression…paranoia…thoughts of suicide…delusions…insomnia…” he paused, giving Jensen a moment to take in this information. “Does that sound familiar to you?”

Jensen didn’t want to admit it did, so he remained silent.

Morgan nodded as if Jensen had answered his question and said, “There can be auditory hallucinations…”

“I don’t hear voices!”

The voice inside his head laughed at that.

Morgan nodded in acquiescence and continued, “We have medications that can help, but in order to work, you have to take them. Do you understand?”

When Jensen didn’t say anything, Morgan cocked an eyebrow and gave him a look that made it clear he expected a response.

“Yes, I understand.”

“We’re here to help you Jensen. You just have to let us. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be, okay?”

He handed Jensen the little cup with the medication in it. Jensen took it and looked down at the two little pills that were supposed to “fix” him.

_Don’t take them._

He had to though. Arguing wouldn’t do any good. So when Morgan handed him another paper cup with water in it, Jensen downed the pills as fast as he could.

~~~~~~

  
Jensen’s room was on the second floor and they had to go through another locked gate in the stairwell to get there. It was nothing fancy, although it was more than Jensen expected. He expected something resembling a cell, but the room was fairly big. It held two beds, one on either side of the room, covered in bedspreads that matched the pale blue of the walls.

Jensen was glad the room was blue. Blue was safe. He could sleep here.

One side of the place was clearly being used. There were several pictures on the wall, a few posters, and a cut out that looked like an advertisement from a men’s magazine.

The strange thing was that there were no lights in the room, not even a table lamp. The only fixture was embedded in the ceiling and it was covered in thick plastic so no one could get at it. Other than that, the only light came from two large windows on the far side of the room, covered in chicken wire on the outside.

Jensen dropped his bags on the unoccupied bed as Morgan said, "You have a roommate. His name is Gabe. You'll meet him later. Right now, why don't I show you around the place?"

Jensen followed him back downstairs where Morgan took the time to point out the bathrooms and the activity rooms, as well as the music room and the gym.

The cafeteria looked like a dining hall with tables situated around the room. On the other side of the place Jensen could see the doorways that led to the kitchen.

"Breakfast is at 8:30, lunch at 1:00, and dinner at 6:00. Just follow the others, they'll show you what to do,” Morgan instructed, before gesturing for Jensen to follow him.

The last room was directly across from the nurse’s station, where Jensen was told he would receive his pills. It was a large open space, bright and airy with nearly floor-to-ceiling windows. Jensen liked the color of the walls. They were a light green which was calming. What he didn’t like however were the florescent lights on the ceiling. They were too bright. They were pulsing and surrounded by a shiny star lights, almost twinkling around the edges. They made Jensen feel uneasy.

"We call this the day room. It's where everyone likes to hang out during off time. You can see there's a TV and a pool table, as well as a fooseball table."

There were small groups of kids lounging about on several couches that were positioned around the room, along with a bunch of chairs. Jensen rolled his eyes at a motivational poster tacked to the wall. It showed a picture of a monkey and toted the values of perseverance.

"Anytime you want to go somewhere you have to let a staff member know, even if you just have to go to the bathroom. For now, you're only allowed in the bathroom for ten minutes at a time, and a staff member will wait for you outside the door. Like I said, that's just for now. In a few days we'll see how you’re doing and then you can go on your own.”

Jensen couldn't believe he had to piss with someone outside the door.

Morgan led Jensen to a boy sitting alone in the corner of the room. The kid was thin and pale with dark messy hair, and Jensen noticed he was wearing a green silk bathrobe over his sweats. He was staring solemnly at the floor, but smiled when Jensen and Dr. Morgan approached.

"This is Gabe. He'll be your roommate. Gabe, this is Jensen.”

Jensen and Gabe acknowledged the introduction with a nod before Morgan left them alone to “get better acquainted.”

"So what are you in for?" Gabe asked, looking up at Jensen.

_Who does this kid think he is?_

Jensen scowled. "None of your damned business."

"Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought…if we're going to be friends…"

"I don't have any friends.”

Gabe's brow furrowed. "No friends? Not even an imaginary one?"

Confused, Jensen said, "What? No, of course not."

Gabe nodded. "Just checking. See that guy over there?"

Jensen looked. The guy Gabe was referring to was tall, nearly Jensen's height, with spiky blond hair. He was squinting out the window. It looked like he was talking to himself.

"That's Chad," Gabe continued. "He's got an imaginary girlfriend. His mother doesn't approve."

"That's nuts."

"Well, we're all a little nuts, aren't we?"

_See, everybody thinks you’re crazy._

Jensen shook his head. "I'm not crazy. I shouldn't even be here."

Gabe just smiled and nodded, like he'd heard it a hundred times before.

~~~~~

  
No one seemed to be in much of a hurry to get to their first group meeting. Jensen definitely wasn’t, but he stepped in anyways with the kids filing out of the day room. They were nearing the nurse’s station when Jensen saw a young man being led through the front doors. The guy was huge and gorgeous, just Jensen's type, with floppy dark hair and piercing eyes that seemed to be taking in every inch of his surroundings. Suddenly, those eyes zeroed in on Jensen, catching him staring, so he quickly lowered his gaze.

Bumping Gabe's shoulder with his own, Jensen asked, voice low, "Who's that?"

Gabe looked to see who Jensen was referring to and smiled.

"Oh, that's Jared. They must have let him out."

"Let him out of where?"

"B-ward. That's where they send the ones who are too violent to be around us regular crazies."

Jared's eyes never left Jensen's and Jensen had to fight the urge to fidget.

Gabe glanced back and forth between the two of them. His smiled faded and his shoulders slumped.

“What?”

Gabe sighed. “He likes you.”

Jensen looked back at Jared. The nurse was trying to get his attention but Jared’s eyes were still focused on Jensen.

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “He doesn’t even know me.”

“Doesn’t seem to matter,” Gabe said, darting another look at Jared. “He sure as hell never looks at anyone else like that.”

~~~~~

  
Jensen really didn't like the idea of group counseling. He didn't know how he was supposed to sit in front of a bunch of other people and talk about his problems. His "problems" were nobody's business but his own and he didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.

There were eight kids total in Jensen’s first group and they were all sitting in chairs arranged in a circle. Gabe was there, and Chad, but there was no Jared. Jensen pushed down the stab of disappointment.

People were still getting settled when the counselor walked in and called the group to order.

She was a petite woman, pretty, with dirty blond hair, pulled back in a careless ponytail. "To those of you who are new here, my name is Madeline," she said, looking pointedly at Jensen. "As I'm sure you've noticed we have a new person with us today. This is Jensen," she gestured, and everyone in the room turned to look at him. "Please make him feel comfortable.”

Comfortable? Right. With everyone staring at him, there wasn't much chance of that.

The lights were too bright in here, too. Jensen fidgeted anxiously and his leg started to twitch as the counselor continued, "I want to resume our discussion about relationships. Yesterday, we talked about the relationships we have with our families. All of you did wonderfully, and I'm hoping you'll all be willing to open up as well today as we talk about romantic relationships.

Oh God… Jensen shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. This was going to be fun.

"Would anyone like to go first?"

Jensen was surprised when a hand immediately shot up. He looked up to see Chad practically bouncing with excitement over getting to speak.

Madeline nodded for Chad to go ahead and several others in the group groaned or rolled their eyes. Jensen realized why as soon as Chad began to talk.

"I have the greatest girlfriend in the world," he said, beaming. His eyes darted over to a space behind Jensen, and his smile grew wider as he nodded at something. Curious, Jensen turned his head to see what he was looking at, but there was nothing there.

"She says she loves me very much." Chad continued to stare at a space just over Jensen's head and wiggled in his seat like it took all his effort not to jump up and go to this girl he was so in love with.

Madeline smiled serenely. "Thank you Chad." She glanced around at the others in the group before offering, "Has anyone else had what you would call a serious romantic relationship?"

No one moved or said anything and Jensen dropped his eyes to the floor. This was not a conversation he wanted anything to do with.

Madeline frowned. "Come on, I don't believe for a second that none of you have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend."

Slowly, several hands went up.

"That's more like it. Chris, how about you? What was your last relationship like?"

Chris didn't look much older than Jensen, only where Jensen was cleaner cut, Chris was rough looking. His long hair was pulled back in a pony-tail and he wore torn, faded jeans along with a black t-shirt, drawn tight around his biceps. He was sitting on the other side of Gabe, hunched over and he looking like he seriously regretted raising his hand.

He remained stubbornly silent but Madeline wasn't going to let him off that easily. "How long were the two of you together?" she tried.

"Two years," Chris mumbled.

"Two years. That's a long time."

"Yeah and then she cheated on me."

Madeline nodded sadly. "That must have been very difficult."

"Yeah, it was. For her."

"What do you mean?"

Chris raised his chin and straightened his shoulders. "She learned real quick not to cheat on me."

Madeline’s eyes narrowed and she studied Chris silently for a long moment before she leaned back in her chair. She crossed one leg over the other and asked, "Was that the first or the second time you were arrested?"

Chris's attitude disappeared as quickly as it arrived and he dropped his eyes.

“The second.”

From the look of Chris, Jensen wasn’t surprised to hear that. And from the lack of reaction in the room, neither were the others.

"And what exactly were you arrested for?" Madeline questioned but Jensen had a feeling she already knew.

Where only moments before, Chris had seemed happy to brag, now it looked like speaking the words was painful.

"Simple assault," he said softly.

"So you hit her?"

The boy could only nod.

"And do you think that was an appropriate way of dealing with the situation?"

Chris shook his head.

"What was that?" Madeline asked, leaning forward in her seat.

"No," Chris said brusquely. Eyes narrowed, he grumbled, "I shouldn't have touched her. I know that."

"And if that happened again, if you had another girlfriend who cheated on you, what would you do differently?"

"Well first of all," Chris spat out, "I wouldn't date another cheating whore."

Madeline frowned hard at Chris's choice of words and the sneer dropped off of the boy's face. He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"All of you know that those kinds of things cannot be predicted ahead of time." Madeline said, addressing the group. "You can't tell just from looking at a person whether or not they will cheat on you." Turning back to Chris, she said again, "So what would you do differently?"

Still refusing to look at her, Chris mumbled, "I guess I would just walk away."

"Ok, that's good. You'd take yourself out of the situation."

"Yeah, I guess." He sat up a little straighter. "I don't think too clearly when I'm angry."

"That's a good insight, Chris. It's good that you can recognize that." She looked around the circle of kids and her eyes settled on Sandy, a tiny girl whose chair was pushed just a little further back than the rest of the group.

"How about you, Sandy? When was your last relationship?"

Before Sandy could respond, the door to the room opened and Jared walked in. His eyes found Jensen’s immediately. Jensen's breath caught in his throat and he was startled to find himself readily smiling at Jared.

Cut it out.

Madeline turned to look at the tall boy standing in the doorway. "Jared! It's good to have you back with us. Are you all settled in?”

Jared nodded. His eyes never left Jensen’s though, and Jensen's blanched at the attention. He looked away and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck nervously.

"Well, have a seat," Madeline continued. "We're talking about our romantic relationships today."

There was an open spot next to the counselor, which would leave Jared directly across from Jensen, and he took it without saying a word.

"Go ahead, Sandy." Madeline gave the girl an encouraging smile. "When was your last serious relationship?"

Sandy fidgeted in her seat and ran a hand through her long dark hair. "About a year ago, I guess."

"And how long were the two of you together?"

"Six months, maybe?”

“And what happened?”

“He broke up with me because he was sick of me."

"Relationships can fall apart for many reasons, Sandy. What makes you think he was sick of you?"

"He told me so!" Sandy said, indigantly.

Jensen did his best to act interested in Sandy's story and ignore the way he could still feel Jared's eyes on him. He could see out of the corner of his eye when the other boy stretched his long legs out in front of him, trying to get comfortable.

Madeline looked solemnly at Sandy and asked, "Is this the same boy we talked about in our one-on-one? The basketball player?"

Sandy nodded miserably.

"Now, if I remember correctly, you told me that this boy told you several times that he was worried about you. That he didn't like that you weren't eating. He told you that you were a beautiful girl and you refused to believe him. Is that true?"

Sandy’s face flushed red and she nodded.

"It sounds to me like he really cared about you."

When Sandy didn't respond, Madeline continued. "Taking that into consideration, do you really think he got sick of you?"

Sandy looked like she wanted to argue, but in the end, she shook her head.

Satisfied for the time being, Madeline turned her attention to Jensen.

Shit.

"What about you Jensen? Have you ever been in what you would call a serious relationship?"

"No," Jensen said flatly. This was the last thing in the world he wanted to talk about.

"Never?" she pressed. "You've never had a girlfriend?"

"No," he said, throwing her a dirty look, "but seeing as I'm gay, I'm not too worried about that."

If Jensen thought the counselor would be surprised, or react to the admission in some way, he was wrong. Madeline only nodded. "So, what about a boyfriend then?"

Jensen shook his head.

_Don’t say anymore._

"You're still young," she went on. "There's nothing wrong with not being ready to make a commitment. Lots of young people would rather just date…"

Jensen shook his head again before the woman could even finish. "I don't date."

Irritated at his inability to keep his mouth shut, Jensen grimaced and crossed his arms over his chest. Of course she wasn't going to just let him go after that. "Why don't you date?" Madeline asked, as she turned in her chair a little to look directly at him.

Jensen heaved out a sigh. "I just don't do relationships. I find a guy I like, I get what I need, and I move on. That's it."

“Have you always felt that way?”

Jensen slouched back in his seat. God must really hate him for putting him through this. When he didn't respond, Madeline offered, "Maybe something happened?"

She wasn't going to let up, but if she thought Jensen was going to just open up his heart and soul to her, she was dead wrong.

"Come on, Jensen…" Madeline prodded. "I'm sure there's a reason."

Jensen glowered at her and did his best to ignore all the eyes on him. "It’s not worth it. You let someone in…you're just gonna get hurt."

He expected the counselor to argue with him; instead, it was Jared who spoke up. "That's not true.” Jensen looked over to find the other boy looking a little uncomfortable, but determined. His eyes caught Jensen's and held.

"What makes you say that, Jared?" Madeline asked, clearly intrigued.

Jensen fought the urge to hide and pretend that this conversation had nothing to do with him, but Jared's eyes were soft, almost pleading, and Jensen couldn't bring himself to look away.

"I think he just hasn't found the right one yet."

"That could be true. You mentioned once before, Jared, in our one-on-one, that you had a boyfriend at home. Is that how you feel about him?"

A sheepish smile crossed Jared's face, and he said, eyes never leaving Jensen's, "I used to. Now I'm not so sure."

 

Jensen was relieved when the counselors told him he had to take an art therapy group. That he could handle. He used to draw all the time. It was one of the few things that made him happy. Now he dragged the charcoal across the paper and tried to imagine he was back home in his room, with his favorite pencils, and the easel his mom got him for his birthday the year before. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t in some loony bin surrounded by people he didn’t know and nurses who forced him to down a bunch of pills that totally washed him out.

The bowl of plastic fruit he was supposed to be drawing looked more abstract than still life though, so Jensen was surprised when he was pulled from his reverie by a voice saying, “That’s nice. What is it?”

Jensen looked up to see Jared standing next to him, a small smile playing on his face and his hair flopping in his eyes.

“If it was really nice you wouldn’t have to ask what it was,” Jensen replied. He watched as Jared laughed and palmed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture Jensen found adorable.

“Ok…no…I know what it is,” Jared stuttered, cheeks flushed. “It really is good. You’re ah…you’re good.”

A sharp laugh kept Jensen from responding. Chris was at the easel next to him, making his own pitiful attempt at drawing the same fruit bowl.

Jared’s brows drew together in a sharp line. “What’s your problem, Kane?”

Chris sniggered again. “Nothing. It just didn’t take you very long, did it, Padalecki?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, you just got back and already you’re hitting on the prettiest girl in the room.”

Jensen’s back stiffened, but before he could say anything, Jared took a step forward. He towered over Chris, but Chris only squared his shoulders and faced Jared head on.

“I think you need to learn to mind your own business,” Jared said, his tone a warning.

Jensen glanced anxiously at the kids scattered around the room, working on their own projects. They were beginning to stare.

Paying no attention, Chris went on. “No, you’re right,” he said, “It’s your business if you want to hook up with one of the freaks in this place. Just how ‘bout doing it somewhere I don’t have to watch.”

Hands balled into fists, Jared leaned in closer to Chris. “You better watch what you say, little man.”

Chris huffed out a laugh. “Or what? What are you gonna do? Hit me?”

Jared’s eyes darted furiously between Chris, Jensen, and the others, his face red with either fury or embarrassment.

“Go on then. Hit me.” Chris goaded. His arms opened wide in a welcoming gesture. “Show me what a big man you are.”

Jensen jumped back as Jared’s fist flew, smashing into the easel Chris was using. The board split in two while Chris’s canvas cracked down the middle. Only half the easel was standing now, and Jared’s second punch sent it flying into the wall.

The room erupted into a series of gasps and screams and Jensen watched as Jared squeezed his eyes shut. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he pulled hard on the long strands and hissed, “Shit…shit…shit.” But when he opened his eyes, all the anger was gone, replaced by what Jensen could only describe as fear.

It was later, after spending twenty minutes in Morgan’s office being questioned about the incident, that Jensen found Gabe waiting for him in the hallway.

“What’d you say?” he asked, pushing away from the wall.

“I told him I didn’t see what happened.”

Gabe waited until they were past the nurse’s station to say, “He’s never going to believe that.”

“Well he better. I can’t do this. I have to get out of here.”

Gabe scowled and pulled Jensen back by the arm. “Look, if you really want to get out of here you have to play the shrinks.”

“What do you mean?”

“You just can’t make it too easy for them. You gotta resist, and then give a little. Give them an insight,” he said, giving Jensen a wry smile at the term the counselors used for a patient’s breakthrough. “And it’s gotta be real.”

“Wait a minute, if you’re so smart, what are you still doing here?”

Gabe sighed. “They care more about my cutting than they do my insights.”

Jensen’s eyes darted down to Gabe’s arms, which he realized were always covered up by long-sleeve shirts or that stupid silk robe he always wore.

“Then stop.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can.”

Gabe’s expression hardened and he turned to leave. Jensen grabbed his arm to stop him but Gabe yanked away. “I don’t want to talk about it!” he cried, before taking off down the hall.

~~~~~

  
The ceiling lights came on as Jensen wandered aimlessly through the halls, not knowing what to do with himself. Eventually, he ended up in the day room, where he found Jared standing next to the window, fingers tangled in the chicken wire as he stared up at the stars.

“Hey,” Jensen said, feeling awkward and unsure if the boy even wanted to talk.

“Hey,” Jared responded, giving Jensen a warm smile, which made him relax a little. He stepped further into the room.

“What are you doing?” he asked, moving to take a seat on one of the couches.

Jared let out a long, tired sigh. “Just thinking.” He flopped down on the couch next to Jensen and let out a frustrated breath. “I’m sorry…about what happened. I hope I didn’t scare you.”

“Nah,” Jensen said, waving away the notion. “It wasn’t your fault. Chris was being an ass.”

Jensen tried to get more comfortable, but the cushions were too soft, so when he shifted, he only ended up sinking more into Jared’s side of the couch. But instead of pulling away, Jensen found himself settling into Jared’s side, until their shoulders were touching.

He thought he caught a glimpse of a smile on Jared’s face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it appeared.

“No,” Jared said, shaking his head. “I lost my temper. I shouldn’t have…” he groaned and raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I guess I have a little bit of a problem…controlling myself. I can’t be going off every time some asshole baits me. Hell, it’s what landed me in here in the first place.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, well…that and a few other things. Like, I stole a car. But it was just my dad’s car, and he’s just trying to teach me a lesson by pressing charges. And it was my brother who taught me how to hot-wire it in the first place, but does my dad blame at him? Nope, just me – the fuck up of the family.”

“Well that sucks.”

Jared nodded his head in agreement. “But mostly, I guess, it was because of this fight. I put a guy in the hospital.”

Jensen’s eyes widened. Jared caught his expression, gave him a sheepish smile, and shrugged his shoulder. “He did call my sister a slut though, so I think he kind of deserved it.”

Jensen laughed. “Yeah, I’d lose my shit if someone called my sister that. Of course, she’s only ten, so I think she’s safe for the time being.”

Jared chuckled and bumped Jensen’s knee casually with his own. “So what brought you to this fine establishment?”

Jensen stiffened at the question. He liked Jared, but he wasn’t so sure he was up to sharing just yet. Luckily, he didn’t have to fumble with an excuse because an orderly poked his head into the room and ordered them off to bed.

~~~~~

  
When the director told Jensen that his mother was there to see him, he wanted to refuse. But then he remembered Gabe’s advice about playing along, and went without argument.

Initially all three sat quietly, not sure of what to say, before Jensen finally broke the silence.

“How’s Mack?”

“Your sister’s fine. She misses you.”

“At least somebody does.”

“Is that what you really think, Jensen?” Morgan asked. “That your mother doesn’t miss you?”

“If I didn’t think it, why would I say it?”

Morgan gave Jensen a look that reminded him he was supposed to be telling them what they wanted to hear. He did his best to look contrite. “I was… a lot of trouble and I think maybe she’s happy I’m gone.”

“That’s a good insight,” Morgan said, smiling, and Jensen did his best not to smirk.

 

When he returned to the day room, Jared was playing pool. Jensen paced restlessly around the table, picked up a pool cue, and glared down at the green felt as if it was the cause of all his troubles.

“This place is fucked up,” he blurted suddenly, and threw the pool cue back onto the table. It landed with a hard smack and several orderlies looked Jensen’s way at the noise. Their eyes narrowed as they studied him, just waiting for him to fly off the handle.

Jensen ignored them. “Why talk to your kid when you can pay a shrink to tell you how he feels?” he said bitterly. He shook his head, disgusted, and smacked the eight ball across the table.

Both boys stood silently for a long moment before Jared finally said, “Wanna play?”

“No.”

“Wanna learn?”

When Jensen looked up at the other boy, Jared was smirking.

“I know how to play.”

The look Jared gave him was clearly challenging him to prove it.

Jared smirked again when Jensen narrowed his eyes at him and picked up a cue.

Then it was Jensen’s turn to smirk when he sunk two balls in a row.

Jared raised his eyebrows. “I guess you do.”

“My father taught me, before he left,” Jensen volunteered and sunk another ball.

“Is your father a pool shark?”

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “No. He’s an architect.”

“Is that what you want to do, be an architect?”

“No, I want to be an artist. I want to paint, go to Paris, study the greats.”

When Jensen missed his next shot, Jared took his turn. He didn’t even come close and Jensen raised an eyebrow at him.

“Shut up.” Jared muttered. He was smiling though and Jensen found himself smiling back.

Jensen was on his way to clearing the table, and leaning over to line up his next shot, when his felt the brush of Jared’s arm against his. Jared casually stepped closer, until he was pressed up against Jensen’s side and said, “Need someone to carry your luggage?”

Jensen could feel Jared’s breath over the side of his neck and shivered.  
Jensen pressed back until his hip met Jared’s and said, “I don’t know. I might not be able to pay you much.”

He looked up at Jared and cocked his head, watched as the other boy’s eyes dropped to his mouth. Unconsciously, Jensen licked his lips.

Jared let out a harsh breath that Jensen felt, hot against his face.

He watched, mesmerized as Jared bit his lip, his eyes darting between Jensen’s eyes and mouth.

Jared’s mouth was only inches away, and Jensen found himself having to fight the urge to press as close as he could get and bring their lips together.

Clearing his throat, Jensen forced himself to step back, putting a little bit of distance between them.

He turned back to the pool table and heard Jared clear his throat before saying, “I always knew I wanted to do something, I just haven’t figured out what.

Jensen smiled. “You’ll find it,” he said before he leaned down, took aim, and shot the eight ball into the corner pocket.

~~~~~~

  
The birthday cake was huge, big enough to feed two dozen people, which was exactly what it had to do. It was Gabe’s birthday and A-ward was throwing him a party.

The day room was covered in streamers and balloons and a lot of the kids were wearing party hats.

Jared tried to make Jensen wear one but Jensen swore at him, pulled it off, and smacked him with it.

A little boom box in the corner was playing the best of the eighties and Jensen was surprised that some kids were actually dancing.

The song was Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible” and Chad was dancing with his invisible girlfriend, old time ball room style, swinging “her” around the dance floor.

Chris spotted Chad and, flashing a wicked smile, asked if he could cut in.  
Chad looked perplexed. Chris always claimed he didn’t believe in the existence of the love of Chad’s life, but the look Chris was giving him now was earnest and purely innocent.

Reluctantly, he stepped back, motioning for Chris to go ahead.

Grinning widely, and casting a quick look over at Jensen and the others, to make sure they were watching, Chris pretended to swing Chad’s invisible girl into his arms and lead her around the dance floor.

With his hands holding nothing but thin air, Chris proceeded to “dance” with Chad’s girlfriend.

“Whoa, dude…” Chris said, looking at Chad, eyes wide, “you are one lucky guy.”

Chad reached out then to take her back and Chris made like he was reluctant to let her go.

With his girlfriend safe back in his arms, Chad shrugged at her like he’d actually been asked a question. It looked like he was telling her he didn’t know what Chris was about either while Chris clutched his hand to his heart. Acting like he’d been struck by Cupid ’s bow, Chris backed away from Chad’s invisible beauty like it was the hardest thing he had ever done.

The Bunny Hop began to play and several counselors were trying to urge the patients to join in. Jensen and Jared took the opportunity to slip out of the room. They stood in the hallway, out of the counselor’s line of sight.  
Jensen leaned against the wall and Jared joined him, their shoulders pressed together.

“When’s your birthday?” Jared asked.

“February 2nd.”

“That’s not too far away. Like, next month? Next month is February, right? God, I lose all track of time in here. You know they’ll probably want to throw you a party too.”

Jensen rolled his eyes and groaned. “God I hope not. Actually, I hope I’ll be out of here before then.”

Jared’s eyes dropped to the floor and he shuffled his feet distractedly.

Jensen watched him for a moment before he asked, “How long have you been here, Jared?”

Jared shrugged. Trying to sound nonchalant, he said, “A few months.”

Jensen didn’t say anything. He had the feeling the other boy wasn’t finished.

After a long, drawn out moment, Jared sighed in resignation. “Four months.”

Jensen took a second to process that information and when he wasn’t sure what to say, he just asked, “When’s your birthday?”

Jared smiled slightly. “May 23rd.”

They were both quiet again. But this time the silence wasn’t so awkward. It was almost comfortable.

_What are you doing?_

Jensen ignored the voice. Jared was a warm weight against his side and it felt good.

_You have to stop this._

Stop what? Stop liking Jared? Jensen didn’t want to stop. Jared was nice.

_You thought Adam was nice too._

Shit.

Suddenly, Jared was in front of him. Lost in his thoughts, Jensen never even felt him move.

Jared rested his hand on the wall next to Jensen’s head and leaned in.

Jensen sucked in a deep breath. For a second, he thought Jared was going to kiss him, but the boy only whispered, “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.” Jensen said, and lifted his hand, placing it on Jared’s chest.

With only inches between them, Jared breathed out, “Jensen…” He looked down at Jensen’s hand, his hair obscuring his eyes, and said Jensen’s name again, like he just wanted to hear the sound of it in the air.

Jensen could feel the rapid beat of Jared’s heart under his fingers, the hard muscle underneath his thin t-shirt.

When Jared’s hand covered his own, it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. Jensen couldn’t breathe. His legs felt weak and it was like the press of Jared’s palm was the only thing holding him up.

Jared’s other hand moved to Jensen’s hip. He squeezed tightly and leaned in a little closer, until their foreheads were almost touching.

All of a sudden, the lights in the hallway came on, jerking the both of them out of their trance. Jared took a deep breath and stepped back just as one of the counselors, a tall, dark-haired woman Jensen hadn’t really spoken to yet, appeared beside them.

“There you two are,” she said, looking relieved. “You can’t just disappear like that.”

Jensen felt like they’d been caught out. He could still feel the heaviness in the air and his heart was still beating a mile a minute, but the counselor seemed oblivious.

“Party’s over,” she said as the other kids started a slow crawl out of the day room and towards the nurse’s station for their nighttime meds.

Jared and Jensen were the last ones into the stairwell. Jensen was about to begin the climb to the second floor when Jared grabbed his hand and pulled him back, away from the stairs and into the shadows behind them.

Jensen’s back hit the wall and Jared pinned him there, one hand on either side of Jensen’s head. In the shadows, Jensen couldn’t see his eyes, but they were so close, practically breathing each other’s air, that it was easy for Jensen to lean in and press a quick kiss to Jared’s lips.

Jared sucked in a breath and then they were really kissing. Jensen’s hands wound in Jared’s hair and Jared’s arms circled Jensen’s waist, pulling him closer until there wasn’t even an inch between them.

Jared moaned softly into Jensen’s mouth as Jensen kissed him, heat pooling low in Jensen’s belly at the sound.

When he moaned again, Jensen pulled his mouth away long enough to say, “Shhh…shhh.”

Jared shook his head. He kissed Jensen hard, biting down lightly on his lower lips before pulling back to breathe.

“God, Jensen…you’re so…” Jensen kissed him again to shut him up.

He knew they were really pushing their luck. At any moment, someone could come in there and find them, and then they would be separated. This would never be allowed, Jensen was sure of it.

It was that thought that made Jensen pull back, tilt his face out of reach when Jared tried to follow him.

“Jared, we have to stop.”

Jared growled low and tried to kiss him again. Jensen kissed him one more time, just a quick brush of lips, before pulling back and pushing at Jared’s chest.

“Seriously, we’re going to get caught.”

Jared reluctantly stepped back, hands balling into fists. Nodding, he said, “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

They stared at each other for a long, heated moment, Jensen’s fingers itching to pull him back. But he didn’t.

 

Jensen lay on his bed, staring at cracked and discolored tiles on the ceiling. The lights went off at 8:00 just like they were supposed to, casting the room in an eerie glow from the moonlight cutting through the trees outside.

Jensen thought about Jared. Somehow, the boy had gotten under his skin.

_What the hell are you doing?_

_Nothing_ , Jensen thought.

_Yeah right. You can’t lie to me._

_It’s no big deal_.

_No big deal? That wasn’t what you thought the last time. Do you really want to go through that again? You know in the end, you’re not going to be enough. Just like…_

“Quit thinking so loud,” Gabe said from his bed across the room.

Jensen chuckled. “Sorry. Can’t help it.”

“This about Jared?”

Jensen propped himself up on his elbow and looked over Gabe, who was gazing back at him with a knowing look in his eyes.

“How do you know about Jared?”

Now it was Gabe’s turn to chuckle. “Dude, you guys are so obvious.”

Jensen flopped back down on his bed.”It’s stupid,” he said to the ceiling.

“Why’s it stupid?”

Jensen paused, not sure what he wanted to say. Finally, he mumbled, “I like him.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?” Gabe asked.

Jensen let out a heavy sigh. “The last time I let myself hook up with a guy I actually liked, it…it didn’t turn out well.”

Gabe was silent for a while before he finally said, “Wanna talk about it?”

Jensen actually considered it for a moment, then replied, “No.”


	2. Chapter Two

The next day was the same as all the others, except that in between group meetings, and gym, and one stupid class on meditation, Jensen and Jared tried to steal every spare moment to make out.

Jensen could feel himself getting swept away by the rush of attraction and arousal. No matter how much he tried to fight it. He told himself that the next time they had a moment, he would tell Jared that he couldn’t do this anymore. But when that next time came, Jensen’s mouth was too busy kissing Jared to do much else.

Twice he had to stop Jared from giving him a hickey where everyone could see it. Instead, Jensen had to urge his mouth further down to his collarbone, where Jared was free to mark him up as much as he wanted. At least that’s what Jensen thought. After finishing his shower one night, he absentmindedly walked into his room wearing only his boxers.

“Whoa!” Gabe said, startling Jensen out of his thoughts. “That is one hell of a hickey!”

Damn it…his roommate. He completely forgot.

 _That’s what you get for getting attached. You get stupid_.

Gabe was gawking. Jensen flushed at the attention and quickly covered the bruises with a t-shirt, but that didn’t stop his roommate from questioning, “Damn…what have you and Jared been up to?” Gabe was grinning and Jensen couldn’t help smiling back. “And you can’t say nothing,” Gabe continued, “cause the proof is all over you.”

Jensen laughed at that; he couldn’t help it, Just the thought of Jared gave him a high.

“You two have been totally hooking up, haven’t you?” Jensen nodded, blushing slightly, much to his surprise. Since when did he get embarrassed about sex?

Jensen didn’t bother putting on his pajama pants. It was too damn hot in here for that.

His hair was still damp when he flopped onto his bed.

“You fuck him yet?” Gabe asked, and this time it was Jensen’s turn to gape at his roommate. He didn’t think Gabe had it in him. He was usually so quiet. Guess he didn’t know as much about his roommate as he thought. Suddenly Jensen felt bad. He hadn’t been spending as much time with Gabe as he could have, as he’d been too wrapped up in Jared.

_You’re such a shitty friend. I don’t know why he puts up with you._

“No, “Jensen protested, ignoring the voice in his head. “How are we supposed to get time for that? With the way they watch us.”

“Well,” Gabe said, “They’re not watching you now.”

Jensen considered that for a second. “Yeah, but he’s upstairs, how am I supposed to get past the nurse’s station? Not to mention the locked gate at the top of the stairs.”

Gabe smiled and sat up in bed. “There’s only one nurse and one orderly on duty at night. And they usually stay in the back office watching the late show. I could pick the lock on that gate easy.”

Jensen sat up in bed then. “You know how to pick locks?”

Gabe nodded. “My parents used to lock me in at night. It was the only way I could get out to go to the bathroom.”

Jensen was taken aback. He wanted desperately to ask Gabe why in the world his parents would lock him in at night, but he wasn’t sure it was his place.  
Gabe must have seen the question in his eyes though, because he dropped his gaze to the bedspread and said softly, “They didn’t trust me not to sneak out and find something to cut with.”

He looked like he expected Jensen to start lecturing or something, but when Jensen remained silent, not sure what to say, Gabe eventually raised his eyes to look at him.

With a self-depreciating smile, he said, “So you wanna go see Jared or not?”

Jensen thought about it. If he went right after the first bed check he would have an hour to get upstairs, be with Jared, and get back in time for the next check.

Raising an eyebrow, he turned to Gabe, “You’ll help me?”

Gabe smiled then, a real smile, and nodded. “Sure, why not? Someone in this place should be getting some.”

Jensen laughed at that. “Ok. Let’s do it.”

 

The hallway was empty when they peeked outside their room so they crept as quietly as they could down to the nurses’ station.

Gabe was right. Ben was on guard that night and he was in the back office with the nurse, but they weren’t watching the late show. Ben had the nurse sitting between his knees on the desk and the two of them were kissing passionately.

Jensen cocked an eyebrow at Gabe while Gabe tried to hold in a chuckle.

With the only two people on guard sufficiently distracted, Jensen and Gabe slipped past the desk and into the stairwell.

The gate at the top was locked just like they knew it would be, but Gabe pulled what looked like a straightened paperclip out of his pocket and went to work at it.

After almost a full minute went by without results, Jensen elbowed Gabe in the side. “I thought you said you knew how to do this.”

“I do,” Gabe shot back. “Just give me a second.”

Jensen nervously glanced back over his shoulder at the stairs behind him.

There was no one there and the only sound was the slight scraping noise of the paperclip moving in the lock.

Suddenly, the lock made a loud click and both boys froze, sure that someone else had heard it. When no one came running, Gabe slowly pulled the gate open, only an inch at a time to avoid the tell-tale creaking.

Jensen patted Gabe on the back and was about to pass through, when Gabe put a light hand on his arm and whispered, “Wait.” Then he pulled a small piece of paper from his pocket and the piece of gum from his mouth. Jensen watched as Gabe squished the gum over the lock and sealed it with notepaper, effectively preventing the latch from clicking back into place.

“It looks like you might have done this before,” Jensen said softly. Gabe grinned mischievously and motioned for Jensen to go.

Jensen peeked around the corner at the second floor nurses station. Thanking his lucky stars that it was empty, he hurried down the hall to Jared’s room. Or at least to what he hoped was Jared’s room.

With one last quick glance down the hall, Jensen opened Jared’s door and slipped inside. The room was fairly dark, but Jensen knew which bed was Jared’s, thanks to an impromteau visit the day before when they had snuck away for a few minutes alone time.

_I can’t believe you’re doing this._

Shut up. Just…shut up, Jensen thought.

He could make out Jared’s form under the blanket and touched the boy’s shoulder lightly, not wanting to startle him. Unfortunately, Jared jerked and cried out at the contact.

“Shhhh…” Jensen said, not wanting to wake Chad, who was asleep in the other bed.

“Jensen?”

“Hey.” Jensen grinned as he leaned over so Jared could see him better in the moonlight.

“Oh my God, Jensen.” Jared grabbed Jensen by the shoulders, knocking him off balance so that he fell on top of Jared with an _Oomph_.

Jared immediately rolled over on top of him and they both glanced over at Chad who was still sound asleep.

“Don’t worry about him,” Jared explained. “Once they give him his meds nothing can wake him up.”

Then Jared was kissing him. They made out feverishly, just like they had been for the last week, until Jared pulled back to tug on Jensen’s shirt. “Can’t believe you’re here. Now get this thing off…”

He tried to kiss Jensen and tug at his shirt at the same time, but finally Jensen had to break free to yank the offending material over his head. Jared dropped down on top of him again as soon as it was gone.

“We don’t have much time,” Jensen whispered.

“Then we better make the most of it,” Jared said before his mouth descended again.

Jensen moaned into the kiss and bucked his hips. Jared responded by grabbing Jensen’s leg and tugging it up until it was resting on Jared’s hip.

It felt like Jared was trying to devour him as he ground their hips together.

“Shit…” Jared groaned into Jensen’s mouth as their cocks rubbed together through the thin fabric of their shorts.

Jared already wasn’t wearing a shirt, and Jensen dragged his hands down Jared’s back to the edge of his boxers. His fingers lingered for a moment before pushing insistently. “Down.”

Jared obliged and shoved his shorts down over his hips. His cock sprang free and bobbed back to his stomach, so hard and practically dripping pre-come.  
Jensen wrapped his palm around it, gathering the fluid and rubbing it over the tip, making Jared buck and drop his head to Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen grinned started dragging his fist up and down, while Jared gripped the bed sheets and bit down on Jensen’s shoulder.

“Jen…” Jared gasped into his ear. Normally, Jensen hated that nickname, but he liked it now, coming from Jared. Relished the way his name slipped out on a hitch of breath.

Jared wormed his hand between them and pushed it down into Jensen’s shorts. At the first touch Jensen’s hips bucked, forcing out a loud whine.

Jared groaned at the sound and Jensen shoved over on his side, trying to give the other boy more room as Jared started to stroke him. Fire shot up Jensen’s spine and just like that he was coming, pumping hard and fast over Jared’s fist. If it wasn’t so good, he might have been more embarrassed, but Jensen was too blessed out at the moment to really care.

He felt Jared’s fist close over his own, fingers sliding though Jensen’s come and guiding his hand. It took just a few more quick jerks before he felt Jared stiffen and Jensen forced open his eyes to take in the look on Jared’s face.

Jared released over Jensen’s stomach and then flopped, boneless, down on top of him. Jensen chuckled lightly as Jared’s body continued to tremble.

Suddenly, the reality of the situation hit and Jensen darted a quick look around the room. Surprisingly, Chad was still asleep. Whatever they gave him must have really worked cause he’d barely moved an inch. The rest of the room was blessedly empty. There were no orderlies bursting in, but Jensen knew they had to be cutting it close. Shoving at Jared’s shoulder, he said, “I gotta go.”

Jared sighed. Jensen could feel the weight of his chest rising and falling as his breathing started to slow.

Jensen really didn’t want to leave. He wished he could just stay there and fall asleep with Jared wrapped around him, but that would have to be another time. And Jensen was sure there would be another time. There had to be.  
Jared rose to let Jensen up.

Jensen’s stomach and hand was covered in come, already drying and he hastily grabbed his t-shirt from the floor. Climbing out of Jared’s bed, he swiped the material over his hand and chest, cleaning himself off as best he could.

Jared straightened himself up as Jensen crept to the door and peeked out the little window on the side. He saw nothing but an empty hallway, thank God.

Jared rushed to his side, surely knowing they were on borrowed time here.

They were both smiling, the manic grin of two boys who just got away with something awesome.

Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen fiercely. “Be careful.”

Jensen nodded, tilted his head up once more for another quick kiss, and then reached for the door handle. He couldn’t help it. He was still grinning when he stepped out into the hall and came face to face with Ben, the orderly in charge that night.

Jensen’s face fell. “Shit.”

Jensen’s lack of clothes, he was wearing only his boxers and still holding his shirt in his hand, made it pretty obvious what he’d been up to. There was no denying it, so Jensen didn’t bother.

Ben pushed Jensen to the side and opened Jared’s door.

Jared was just coming out of the bathroom, also clad only in his boxers. The look on his face and the fact that Chad was still fast asleep, told Ben exactly what he needed to know, just who Jensen had snuck out of his room to see.

Ben didn’t say anything. He shut Jared’s door, the loud click echoing down the hallway making Jensen flinch. It was stupid cause it’s not like he wasn’t already caught. There was no point in keeping quiet now.

The look on Ben’s face was blank, which Jensen was grateful for. He still didn’t say anything, he just took Jensen’s arm, and lead him back down the hallway.

 

The next day, Jensen kept waiting to be pulled aside. He expected someone to lecture and tell him his punishment. But no one did, and the day started out as normally as any other.

He assumed he would see Jared at breakfast, but he didn’t. Later, Jensen heard that Jared had to eat his meals in his room for the foreseeable future.  
As the morning passed, Jensen realized the full extent of his and Jared’s punishment. He didn’t see Jared once. All his group meetings were changed so that they were all on the first floor. So he figured Jared was being kept on the second and out of Jensen’s sight.

It wasn’t until later in the day that Jensen found out why no one had confronted him about the incident.

He was called to the director’s office around 1:00, where he found not only Dr. Morgan waiting for him, but his mother, too.

“Have a seat, Jensen,” Morgan said, gesturing to the empty one next to his mother.

Jensen did as he was told, slouching down into his chair and crossing his arms like a petulant child.

“Sit up straight, Jensen,” his mother snapped.

As Jensen sat up, Morgan continued, “I was just telling your mother about the incident last night.”

Jensen couldn’t help blushing a little. The last person he wanted to talk about this with was his mom.

His mother looked sharply at him, “You’re here so you could get help, Jensen, not so you could mess around with some boy.”

“Jared’s not just some boy.” Jensen snapped.

“Who is he then? What’s he here for?”

She looked expectantly at Dr. Morgan.

“Jared Padalecki is a 16 year old who’s been with us for several months. He’s being treated for a behavioral disorder. But I didn’t call you and Jensen here today just to talk about the incident with Jared. I called you here because aside from Jensen’s sexually acting out, he has been making good progress.”

Jensen’s mother raised her eyebrow at the doctor like she was having trouble believing it.

“He’s been on his medications for a month now. He’s opening up more. We think that as long as he continues to take his pills and continues to see a counselor, we can talk about his going home.”

Jensen was shocked. He really wasn’t expecting to hear that. Looks like Gabe was right, playing the shrinks really did work.

 

“What’s going on?” Gabe asked when he found Jensen in their room packing his things.

“They’re letting me go.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I have to find Jared, but they are out there waiting for me. They’re not just going to let me go wandering around looking for him.”

“I think he’s in the gym. I’ll go get him.”

“Would you?”

Gabe nodded and headed for the door. “Sure, they can’t stop me from wandering.”

Jensen did everything he could think of to stall: re-folded his clothes and re-packed his bag, made his bed, then made Gabe’s bed. He was just out of ideas when Jared appeared in the doorway. He darted inside and grabbed Jensen, pulling him into a rough hug.

“You’re leaving?” he said, on a heavy breath. He was sweating and Jensen imagined him running the whole way here.

“Yeah, Jared… you have to promise me you’ll do whatever you have to do to get out of here. I wanna see you…”

“Yeah… yeah, of course. I’ll get out soon. I promise.”

They kissed, frantic and hurried, knowing they only had seconds.

“Jensen, we’re leaving.”

They pulled apart to find not only Jensen’s mother in the doorway, but Dr. Morgan, too.

“Come on, Jared. You’re not supposed to be in here.” Morgan said. When he gestured at the door for Jared to leave, Jared nodded and took Jensen’s hand. He gave it a tight squeeze and leaned in.

“I’ll see you soon,” he whispered, but before Jensen could respond, Morgan snapped, “Now, Jared.”

Jensen hefted his duffel bag over his shoulder and deliberately ignored his mother’s scathing look as he passed her to follow Jared and Dr. Morgan out into the hallway.

“Jared, go wait for me in room 3,” Morgan said, his tone leaving no room for argument. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Jared threw Jensen one last look before he did as he was told and Jensen was left alone with his mother and the doctor.

Jensen tried to reassure himself that everything would be okay as the three made their way to the nurse’s desk. He still had to pick up the things that were confiscated from his bag, and apparently there was some more paperwork for his mother to sign.

“Remember Jensen,” Morgan said, while they waited for the nurse to retrieve Jensen’s things. “If you don’t want to end up back here, you need to continue taking your medications. It’s very important.”

Jensen was looking down the hallway in the direction Jared had gone, but he nodded when Morgan asked, “Do you hear me?”

“When’s Jared going to be able to get out?” Out the corner of his eye, Jensen saw his mother roll her eyes. “What?” he snapped at her. “I just want to know.”

“You don’t worry about Jared,” Morgan said, reaching out to squeeze Jensen’s shoulder. “Just take care of yourself.”

Jensen’s mother thanked the doctor and then Jensen was left waiting for her to sign his release papers. He watched in silence as Dr. Morgan headed for the room where Jared was waiting.

“It will be good to have you home again,” his mother said, as the two of them started toward the gates that would let Jensen back out into the real world.

They were almost to there when a loud slam made Jensen jump. He looked back to see the door to room 3 nearly knocked off its hinges. Jensen only had a second to wonder what was going on when he saw Jared being dragged by the arms into the hall by two orderlies.

Jared was struggling against their grip, trying to pull away and shouting, “No! You can’t do this! Let me go!”

"Jared?" Jensen turned to go back.

His mother grabbed his arm. "No, Jensen."

Jared was trying ineffectually to get away from the men holding him, pushing as hard as he could on the one who held his right arm. The man wouldn’t budge so Jared threw his whole weight into him. The orderly stumbled back and let go of Jared just enough that he was able to draw his fist. The punch hit the second orderly square in the face, but it didn’t do much good as two more orderlies appeared out of nowhere. The first easily put Jared in a headlock, while the other grabbed hold of Jared’s wrists.

“No!” Jared screamed. His eyes found Jensen's and he struggled harder, but it was no use. Jared was a big kid, but these men were even bigger and outnumbered him four to one.

“No! Leave him alone!” Jensen shouted. His mother was still attempting hold him back but Jensen overpowered her. He was almost to Jared when Morgan spotted him. The doctor stepped in front of Jensen and got a firm grip on both his arms. Jensen tried to pull away but the bigger man held fast.

“Let go of me! Jared!”

The orderlies started to drag Jared backwards down the hallway, away from Jensen, as Jared thrashed and shouted all the way. “Jensen!”

“Jared!”

Two more orderlies came running. They grabbed Jensen and held him back while Jared was being taken further and further away. Jensen could do nothing but watch.

_Useless._

“No! No! Please!” Jensen pleaded at Morgan, but the doctor didn’t answer. And then Jared was gone, disappearing through the double doors at the end of the hall.

~~~~~

  
Jensen paced the small room. It was empty, nothing but brown carpeting from floor to ceiling. Hell, even the ceiling was covered. The floor was soft and squishy under his bare feet.

Why were they doing this to him? He just wanted to see Jared. Jared…Jared…where was Jared?

_Jared’s better off without you._

“No.” The word rebounded back and forth inside his head, slamming against the side of his skull. He squeezed the short hairs there and pulled hard. It should hurt. It didn’t. He felt nothing, not the force of his knuckles or the strain in his throat from screaming so loud.

He slammed his fists into the wall. They bounced back at him. It didn’t work. Nothing worked.

He continued to pace. The room was sealed. There was no way out and he couldn’t breathe. There was no air in here. He was suffocating. The room started to spin around him and he caught himself with his hand. He tried to find his balance. It was impossible.

_They’re trying to kill you._

Oh God, he was going to die. He was going to die in this horrible fucking place. Everything was moving too fast. He couldn’t think straight. Why were they doing this to him?

_Because you’re fucked up. Crazy. Insane._

“No!” Jensen screamed. Everything would be fine. Everything would be fine. Fine…fine…fine…they would be fine. Yes…he’d find Jared. They’d get out of here. Together. Together. Together. Yes, they would go together. Everything would be fine.

Damn it, he couldn’t stop shaking. Why were they doing this to him?

Jensen screamed again and slammed his head into the wall. The cushioning in the wall bounced his head back and Jensen screamed again in frustration. He punched the padding with his fists, rammed his head into it again and again, but nothing he did helped.

NoNoNoNoNo…Fuck…no. He couldn’t do this. He just couldn’t. His head bounced against the wall again, but it wasn’t good enough. Fuck them. Fuck them all. FUCK THEM ALL.

 

When they finally let him out, Jensen had calmed considerably. He was sitting quietly against the far wall when the door opened and Ben motioned for him to come.

Jensen was led back to his room where one of the nurses was waiting for him. She held out a little paper cup and said, “Here. It’s your medications plus a new pill Dr. Morgan prescribed to help you with your anxiety.”

_Don’t take it._

Jensen didn’t want to, but he was exhausted. His whole body hurt as well as his head so he took the little cup of pills without argument. He wanted to refuse the water, who knew what they put in it, but his throat was raw from screaming.

Once the nurse checked to make sure he had actually swallowed, they let him go into his room.

 

“Are you ok?” Gabe asked, as Jensen walked to his bed and flopped down. The mattress shook under him and he pulled his pillow close, squishing it under his head.

He cracked an eye open at Gabe. He looked worried, so Jensen placated, “I’m fine.”

Gabe nodded his head and dropped his eyes. He wouldn’t look at Jensen, just sat and played with an errant string on the side of his blanket.

Jensen was almost afraid to ask, but he had to know.

“What happened to Jared?”

Gabe still wouldn’t meet his eyes, which worried Jensen even more. When he finally spoke, he said, “I guess he got in a big fight with Morgan. He thought he was going to get to leave and they told him he had to stay. I guess it got pretty ugly.”

Jensen sat up on the edge of his bed. “How ugly?”

Gabe didn’t seem to want to say. He went back to picking at the bedspread.

“Come on, man. How ugly?”

“I guess he punched Morgan in the face, and when Ben tried to intervene, Jared punched him too.”

Shit.

“Where is he now?” he asked.

Gabe really looked reluctant to talk now. Jensen’s heart sunk in his chest.

“They took him back to B-ward.”

“Ok…ok. So, when’s he coming back?”

Gabe shrugged. “I don’t know. Last time he was there for a month.”

“Shit.”

~~~~~

  
Jensen hated this fucking place. They had no right to treat them like this. So he was done. Done giving them what they wanted, done playing their little games. For the next week, Jensen refused to speak. He knew the staff didn’t like it, and they kept pushing, trying to get him to open up, talk about how he was feeling, but Jensen refused. The only time he spoke was to ask about Jared. How was he? When was he coming back? _Was_ he coming back? But no one would tell him anything. So he took his pills when he was supposed to, ate when he was supposed to, but confined himself to his room the rest of the time, without saying another word.

Gabe tried to get him to talk, but still Jensen refused. His head hurt, pounding behind his eyeballs. Day after day it felt like his brain would shake loose.

After nearly 15 entire days of Jensen’s holding out on them, Madeline pulled him aside after group. She led him down to the end of the hallway, where they wouldn’t be overheard, and said, “Jensen, I wanted you to know, that Jared was let out of B-ward this morning.”

Jensen perked up immediately at her words.

“Where is he? Is he ok?”

Madeline nodded. “He’s fine. He asked about you.”

“Can I see him? Please?” He knew he was begging, but he didn’t care, not if it got him to Jared.

“Dr. Morgan doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”

Jensen’s face dropped. He could feel tears threatening to fall, but he held them back. He wasn’t going to let these people see him cry.

Madeline glanced over her shoulder down the hall, like she was checking to make sure no one was paying attention to them. No one was, so she took a step closer to Jensen and whispered conspiratorially, “I disagree with Dr. Morgan, about keeping the two of you apart.”

Jensen’s eyes widened. Of all the things she might have said, that was one thing Jensen never expected to hear.

“They believe that this relationship isn’t good for you. But…” She glanced back down the hall again. “But I’ve watched the two of you together. When he’s with you, Jared is…he’s calmer. He tries. He never tried before. And you…” She smiled softly. “You light up when you look at him.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say. He was a little embarrassed to know that they had been watched so closely, but Madeline seemed to be the only one here who seemed to get it. He still wasn’t sure why she was telling him this, though.

It appeared Madeline was thinking the same thing because she laughed lightly and shook her head, like she was surprised at herself. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” she said. “I could get in a lot of trouble. But I can let you see Jared. If…” She raised her finger when Jensen jerked, opened his mouth in surprise and excitement. “If…you promise to make more of an effort. I’m only doing this if you promise me that you will start working with me again.”

Jensen nodded shakily. “Yeah…yeah. Sure. I promise.”

Madeline seemed satisfied at that. “OK,” she said, “tomorrow, after lunch…”  
Jensen frowned and started to protest but Madeline stopped him with a look and a jerk of her head. “No. Tomorrow, after lunch. First you have to start participating again. I want to see some real effort, ok?”

Jensen still wanted to argue but something told him he shouldn’t punch a gift horse in the mouth.

“Ok. I will. I promise.”

Jensen kept his word and so did Madeline. The next day, after breakfast, he followed her to the art therapy room. “You have ten minutes,” she whispered, unlocking the door.

When Jensen stepped inside, he found Jared waiting for him. As soon as the door shut behind him, Jared was across the room and on Jensen, pulling him into his arms, wrapping his arms around Jensen’s waist, and holding him close.

Jensen hugged back him hard, as Jared exhaled, “God, I missed you.”

Jensen mumbled his agreement into Jared’s neck then pulled back and said, “I missed you, too. Are you okay? What happened?”

Jared shook his head, dismissing the question. “Don’t worry about it. How are you?”

Jensen balled the front of Jared’s t-shirt up in his fists and narrowed his eyes. “No, really. Are you okay? I heard they tie you down over there.”

Jared only smiled. His hand came up to cup the back of Jensen’s neck as he brought their foreheads together. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

Jensen closed his eyes and sighed. “I was worried,”

He felt Jared nod. “I know. I was worried about you too. C’mere.” Jared pulled him closer and Jensen felt the brush of Jared’s lips against his own.  
Jensen kissed him back. And just like that he was consumed again, drowning in the taste of Jared’s mouth and groaning as their hips met.

They were so far gone that they didn’t hear the shouting until it was too late. The door swung open with force and Morgan burst into the room. He was in the middle of yelling at Madeline, who was right behind him. “…went against my orders! What were you thinking?”

“I thought they needed to see each other.”

“Well you no longer work here!” Morgan grabbed a hold of Jensen’s arm and pulled him roughly away from Jared. Jensen stumbled and fell backwards into a cart stacked with tin cans of paint brushes. The cart toppled over. Brushes slid everywhere as the cans crashed to the floor.

“Don’t touch him!” Jared shouted.

Morgan pointed a finger in Jared’s face and said, “That’s it for you two! I’ll have you transferred to a detention facility before this day is through.”

“No!” Jensen said, moving to stand next to Jared again.

“Look,” Madeline said, “this was my decision. Don’t take it out on the kids.”  
But Morgan ignored her. He fished his phone from his pocket and punched a number in.

“Get me security,” he said into the phone. Jensen felt Jared stiffen beside him.

There was a putty knife on the table, next to another patient’s art project, and before Morgan could say another word, Jared grabbed it. He flew at the doctor and threw his arm around Morgan’s neck, holding the knife to the man’s throat.

Madeline tried to stop him but Jared yanked hard on Morgan’s throat, tightened his grip, and said, “Get back!”

“Jared,” Madeline pleaded, her hands raised in a placating gesture, while Morgan struggled, trying to get away.

“Don’t move or I’ll crush your throat.” Jared growled in the doctor’s ear and Morgan immediately stilled.

“Jared, put the knife down, please,” Madeline begged, but Jared didn’t listen.

“I’m getting out of here,” Jared said to Jensen. “You up for a road trip?”

It all happened so fast Jensen didn’t even have time to think. For a second he didn’t know what to say. He looked over at Madeline who was looking back at him, a horrified expression on her face.

“Jensen, no,” she said, “you’ll be throwing everything away.”

Jensen’s heart raced, adrenaline pumping through his system as he looked back and forth between Jared and Madeline. He knew what he had to do, though. There was no way he was staying here without Jared.

“What are we waiting for?” he asked, as he headed toward the door.

Jared pushed on Morgan and followed Jensen into the hallway. Jensen heard Madeline call his name once more, but ignored her.

There were several patients milling about in the hallway and their eyes widened at the sight of Jared with a knife at Morgan’s throat.

Two orderlies spotted them and came running and Jensen shouted, “Jared!”

Jared spun around, dragging Morgan with him. He pressed the knife harder into Morgan’s throat. “Get back!”

The orderlies slowed and one said, “Just let him go.”

The man started to take a step toward Jared but Jensen got between them and shoved. “No! Stay back!”

Thankfully, the orderly listened but he wasn’t giving up. “We can work something out,” he said as the second orderly started to circle them, moving closer.

Jared jerked Morgan’s body in and hissed at the doctor, “Tell them to get back.”

Dr. Morgan didn’t argue. He gave the order and the men surrounding them reluctantly listened.

More patients were coming out of the day room and out of their rooms to watch. The hallway was getting more and more crowded as Jared and Jensen shuffled Morgan down the hall, toward the nurse’s station.

Madeline appeared at Jared’s side and said, “Jared! Look at Jensen. Look at him.” Jared’s eyes darted to Jensen for a second before he went back to scanning the crowd. “You’re making a decision that could hurt him,” she pleaded. “You don’t want to hurt him. I know you don’t.”

Jared’s eyes found Jensen’s again for a moment before he answered, “This is the only choice we have. Now, get back.”

Madeline’s face fell and she stepped away.

Jensen grabbed Morgan’s keys from the man’s pocket and unlocked the gate. Jared followed him through, forcing Morgan through the door and into the stairwell.

They made it all the way past the last gate on the first floor and were on their way to the front door when Ben appeared out of a side office and stepped in front of them.

Both boys froze and Jared tightened his grip on Morgan, pressing the blade harder into the man’s throat. Morgan stiffened in fear.

“You’ve had your fun,” Ben said. “Now put the knife down, Jared! Put it down!”

Before Jared could even respond, Jensen yanked on Morgan’s arm. Surprised, Jared’s hold loosened but Jensen pulled the doctor towards him. He held one of the director’s keys up, right under Morgan’s left eye.

“Don’t make me do it,” he said to Ben, who was slowly inching his way closer.

Undeterred, Ben took another step, which made Jensen press the key perilously close to Morgan’s eye socket.

“For God’s sake,” Morgan spat out. “Do as he says.”

“I’ll do it,” Jensen growled. His eyes never left Ben’s and they glared at each other in a game of stare-down Chicken. Finally, Ben broke the gaze and reluctantly moved out of the way. Jensen held one of Morgan’s arms, Jared the other, and they led him through the front doors and outside to freedom.

 

The parking lot was full of cars but it was obvious which car was Morgan’s. The license plate read HDSHRINK.

Jensen chuckled at the sight and said, “I’m driving.”

Jared pushed Morgan into the back seat and climbed in next to him. Seconds later, Jensen had the car started and they were tearing out of the parking lot.

“Where are we going?” Jensen asked.

“I don’t know,” Jared answered. “Anywhere we want.”

“Wherever we go we’re going to need money.”

“No problem,” Jared held Morgan’s wallet in his hand. He pulled out a handful of money and flashed a wicked smile at Jensen. Jensen couldn’t tell how much there was, but it looked like a lot.

“Listen to me,” Morgan said, “The longer you keep this up, the worse it’s going to be. Now, you’ve made your point…”

“You know, you have a very negative attitude, Doc,” Jared said, and Jensen laughed.

“This isn’t a joke!” Morgan exclaimed, looking from Jensen to Jared, who had draped his arm casually over the doctor’s shoulders. “This is a serious offense. This is kidnapping.”

Jared tightened his arm around Morgan’s neck and pulled him into his side.

“Do I detect a note of anxiety in your voice, Doc? You’re not thinking of hurting yourself, are you?”

Both boys roared with laughter.

They left the doctor by the side of the road, outside what looked like an abandoned tire factory. Jared even waved good-bye before climbing into the front passenger seat.

Now, they were on their own.

~~~~~

  
Jensen drove for over two hours before they felt relatively safe enough to stop for a while.

“I gotta piss.” Jared said as he climbed out of the car.

“I’m hungry,” Jensen said. “How much money we got?”

The two of them stood on the sidewalk next to the car as Jared counted the money Morgan had in his wallet.

“Shit…” he said, as he looked though the bills. “This guy must be rich or something.” He held out the cash to Jensen. “There’s almost 250 bucks there. And he’s got all these.” He held up several credit cards.

“No. We can’t use the credit cards. They’ll find us in a second.”

Jared frowned and looked like he wanted to argue but he returned the cards to the wallet.

“So where are we going?” Jared asked, as they started to walk.

“I thought we were looking for a bathroom.”

Jared shoved at Jensen’s shoulder playfully. “No, I meant we are we gonna go from here?”

Jensen shoved back and laughed. “I don’t know. Mexico?”

“No way. We should go somewhere we can get lost, like San Francisco, or Seattle.”

“Why don’t we just head south? We’ll figure something out as we go.”

“Where are we anyways?” Jared asked. He raised his hand to shield his eyes from the sun as he looked around.

“This is Huntington Beach.” Jensen pointed down the street. “Down there’s the pier.”

“That’s cool. Now hurry up,” Jared whined. He took Jensen’s hand and pulled. “I told you, I gotta piss.”

It didn’t take long to find a bathroom and a place to eat, and after they were fully sated, Jared and Jensen wandered the streets, taking a moment to enjoy the fresh air and freedom. The warm weather brought the people out and the crowded streets were lined with shops and booths selling everything from food and souvenirs, to arts and crafts.

Eventually they found a pawn shop and Jared dragged Jensen inside.

Jensen ended up buying a camera, a nice one too. “A lot nicer than the one I have at home,” he said, and pointed the camera at Jared, who was leaning up against the counter looking sexy as hell in some new dark sunglasses. Jensen snapped a picture. When Jared heard the click of the camera, he turned to Jensen and grinned. He pulled Jensen closer by the elbow and said, voice husky low, “What do you think you’re doing?”

Jensen smiled. “Just taking a picture of my gorgeous boyfriend.”

“Oh, is that what I am?” Jared said, smiling softly as he leaned in to brush a kiss across Jensen’s lips.

Jensen nodded. “You better be,” he said, tilting his head up to kiss Jared again. “I don’t escape from prison with just anybody.”

 

Their plan to simply take Morgan’s car again was hampered by the fact that when they found it again, there was a boot attached to the back tire, making it impossible for them to move it.

“Damn it!” Jared said, kicking the side of the tire with his foot. “How’d they find it so fast?”

“Wait a minute,” Jensen said. “if they found the car…” He turned and looked down the street just as a cop car rounded the corner. “Run!” Jensen said, pushing on Jared’s shoulder to get him moving.

The police spotted them and sped up.

When another cop car came to a screeching halt next to them on the street, Jared grabbed Jensen’s arm and pulled him between two souvenir stands. Two cops came after them on foot so Jensen and Jared weaved in and out of the various craft stands, dodging tourists the whole way, before they finally ducked between two buildings. In the back they found a dirt path that formed a trail behind a row of houses. After about 100 ft. the path widened out into an alley and Jensen and Jared had to dodge garbage bins and old abandoned bicycles as they ran.

Jensen’s feet and legs hurt. He could hardly breathe, but he was afraid to slow down, afraid to even look back to see if they were being followed.

He could hear Jared running off to his left, heard the huff and puff of his breathing, so he knew he was still with him. Then a hand grabbed Jensen’s shoulder so abruptly that Jensen nearly stumbled and lost his footing.

“Sorry…” Jared said, chest heaving. “This way.”

They jumped a fence and ran across the parking lot of a busy restaurant, finally coming to a stop at the back of the lot. Confident they had lost the police, Jensen slid down the side of the building to sit and rest his aching feet. Jared joined him a moment later and they sat side by side, shoulder to shoulder, trying to catch their breath.

“Shit.” Jensen said, after his heartbeat finally slowed and his head stopped spinning. “That was close.”

Jared could only nod.

 

‘We have to find another car,” Jensen said later, after they had both calmed enough to start walking again. “And we also need some supplies…some more food.”

Jared nodded in agreement and pointed to a shop across the street. “You go in there and get us what we need. I’m going to find us a car.”

When Jensen came back 20 minutes later, Jared was leaning against the side of the building waiting for him.

“I found a car,” he whispered. “It’s unlocked, but we better hurry. Who knows when the owners will be back.”

The car was a station wagon. It was sitting in the back of the crowded lot next door. In the rear seat Jensen could see books and toys, along with a couple of pillows.

“Must be a family on vacation,” Jensen said, careful to keep his voice low, as he climbed into the passenger side. He didn’t think Jared was listening, though. He was concentrating on trying to start the car.

Jensen kept an eye out, watching for anyone who could be the owners. He felt bad about taking a family’s car, but they were desperate. He was sure they could work something out. They would be fine, he told himself as the car suddenly came to life.

Jared threw Jensen a wicked grin, dimples flashing in the dim street light, and immediately threw the car into reverse. They headed straight for the highway. They needed to get as far away from this town as possible.

Jensen kept his eyes peeled for cops and it wasn’t until they were finally on the freeway that he let himself relax.

He settled back into the seat, stretched his legs out as far as they would go, and looked over at Jared, who cast Jensen a warm smile and threw his arm over the back of the seat. His fingers stroked over the back of Jensen’s neck before giving him a quick squeeze.

Jensen smiled at him and closed his eyes, resting his head back against Jared’s warm palm.

“You tired?” Jared asked.

“No…” Jensen said and flashed another quick smile at his boyfriend. “Just happy.”

His _boyfriend_. Jared was his _boyfriend_. Jensen had never had a boyfriend. He hadn’t wanted one. He studied Jared’s profile, silhouetted in the light of the dash and the headlights of other cars, and wondered what made Jared different.

Jared must have sensed Jensen studying him and broke the silence. “What are you thinking about?”

“Just…you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. I’m just trying to figure you out.”

Jared chuckled lightly. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Jensen was smiling but his face turned serious when a thought occurred to him. “Hey, didn’t you say you had a boyfriend? Back at the hospital, you said you had a boyfriend back home.”

Jared nodded. “I did say that.”

Jensen frowned but Jared squeezed the back of his neck once before reaching down for his hand. Twining their fingers together, he said, “I was seeing someone. I called him from the hospital, told him what was going on. I told him not to wait around for me.”

“When did you do that?”

Jared’s cheeks dimpled and he looked embarrassed. “Umm, the day of Gabe’s birthday.”

“Really?” Jensen said, grinning. He squeezed Jared’s hand.

“Really.” Jared said, squeezing back.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend,” Jensen blurted out, and immediately wished he hadn’t.

Jared darted a quick look at Jensen over the seat. “Never?”

Jensen shook his head. His cheeks were flushed but hopefully it was too dark for Jared to notice.

“No. I thought I did once. But…I was wrong.”

“What do you mean you were wrong?”

Jensen held his breath for a long moment then blurted, “I don’t know if I want to talk about it.”

Jared didn’t hesitate. “That’s ok. You don’t have to.” He was still holding Jensen’s hand and lifting it to his lips, he pressed a kiss to Jensen’s fingers.

Relieved, Jensen dropped his head back on the seat. He knew Jared wouldn’t push him, but really, it was only fair. If Jensen wanted to know everything about Jared, Jared deserved to know everything about him.

When Jensen finally got the nerve to speak, he began, “His name was Adam. He was older, my neighbors son. It was last summer and he was home from college on break. We…” God, this was embarrassing. “We hooked up and I started spending everyday at his house. My Mom was working and she had her own boyfriend so she wasn’t around much. Not that she ever was.”

Jensen looked out the window at the stars, they were so bright, and he could see the little dipper. He squeezed Jared’s hand. Jared squeezed back.

“I thought…I thought he loved me. I’d been with guys before, but all they cared about was getting off. They didn’t care about me. Adam acted like he cared, but…”

“He didn’t?”

Jensen sighed. “No…not really.”

Jared’s hand tightened around his, urging him to go on.

“I really liked him, so I let him do things…” The words caught in Jensen’s throat and he coughed, reminding himself that this was important.

“I’ve never told anyone this.” Jensen admitted, voice shaky. He looked over at Jared, who took his eyes off the road long enough to look back.

“It’s ok.” Jared said earnestly, and Jensen knew it was. Maybe he was crazy, but he knew that he could trust Jared not to judge.

“I let him do things…tie me up…stuff like that. I didn’t really like it, but I was afraid he wouldn’t want me anymore if I didn’t. I should have never…”

Jensen blew out a frustrated breath and let go of Jared’s hand. Looking back out the window, he continued, “Summer was almost over and I wanted to talk to him about keeping in touch. You know, once he went back to school. He was going to the University Of Texas, so it wasn’t too far away. I thought maybe I could drive up there, or he could come down. But when I got over to his house, his best friend was there. Some guy named Brady. I guess he came to see Adam for the last couple weeks of the summer. I didn’t want to talk about it with Brady there. Honestly, I was a little upset that he was there at all. Figured I wouldn’t get the time with Adam like I used to.”

Jensen took a deep breath. “Turns out it didn’t make much difference to Adam whether Brady was there or not. Adam still wanted to fuck…didn’t even care that Brady was in the room. I didn’t want to…you know…in front of him. So I asked Adam if we could go in the bedroom. We did, but…we had just gotten started when suddenly Brady comes waltzing into the fucking room!”

Jensen hadn’t deliberately thought about this for a long time, and the old familiar anger was already starting to bubble up to the surface.

“I got upset and wanted to stop. We did…for a little bit. Had a couple of beers. Then Adam starts trying to start something with me again, with Brady still there. And when I think back now, I swear to God they put something in my beer, like a sedative or something, cause I was feeling all…like I was floating or something. I felt really good actually. So when Adam started pushing…I didn’t fight him. It still bugged me that Brady was in the room but it was like…I don’t know. I was still afraid that Adam would get mad at me.” Jensen scoffed at his naiveté at the time. His heart was pounding in his chest so hard it hurt but the words just came spilling out. “I didn’t even fucking argue when Brady wanted me to suck him off. Next thing I know, I’m blowing Brady while Adam’s….”

It was getting hard to breathe and Jensen had to take a moment. He was only able to continue after Jared took his hand again. Jensen held Jared’s palm tight in his own and went on. "I passed out then. Like I said, I think they gave me something, cause I slept really hard. And when I woke up…hours must have gone by cause the sun had gone down. But anyways, I woke up and someone was….”

Jensen tried to hold back the tears but couldn’t. He swiped a hand angrily across his face. “It was Brady. It was fucking _Brady_ ,” Jensen spat out. He heard Jared let out a soft gasp, but when Jensen darted a look across the seat, Jared’s face was expressionless in the soft light of the dashboard.  
Jensen looked back out the window.

“Jensen…” Jared started, his voice rough with emotion, like he was on the verge of tears. Jensen didn’t want to hear it.

“I’m not sure how long it when on,” Jensen interrupted, desperately pulling the reins back on his own emotions. He swiped another hand across his wet cheeks. “I was in and out through most of it.”

Jared cursed under his breath.

“So yeah…I don’t think he cared about me as much as I thought he did.”

~~~~~

  
Jared drove for several more hours before parking the car on a dark, deserted stretch of beach.

They found a couple of sleeping bags and blankets in the back of the station wagon and Jensen grabbed the pillows from the back seat. They found a nice secluded spot, hidden from sight by a large sand dune, and spread the sleeping bags out one on top of the other.

The sky was covered in stars and the only noises were the waves hitting the shore and the far away sound of traffic.

“It’s beautiful out here,” Jensen said, voice soft, like he was afraid of disturbing the peace.

“Yeah, it is.” But Jared wasn’t looking at the stars, he was looking at Jensen. “C’mere,” he said, tugging on Jensen’s belt loop. Jensen went easily, sliding his hand behind Jared’s neck and tilting his head up to press a kiss to his lips. Jared kissed him back and Jensen savored the shiver that ran through his body as Jared’s breath mingled with his own.

They kissed with such an intense need that it quickly threatened to consume them both. Nearly overwhelmed by sensation and the pull of arousal, Jensen dragged Jared’s shirt up his chest, eager to get his hands on smooth skin. That was all the encouragement Jared needed. Seconds later, he had Jensen’s shirt off, and his own. Minutes later, they were down to their shorts.

They lay down on the blankets, still kissing, Jensen pulling Jared down on top of him until their bodies flush.

“Get these off,” Jensen managed between kisses, pushing at the waistband of Jared’s boxers.

Jared swiftly obliged, pulling off his own shorts before reaching for Jensen’s. Then there was nothing but skin-on-skin and hands everywhere.

Every touch made Jensen harder, more desperate, until he couldn’t wait anymore and pulled out of the kiss. He threw his arm out as Jared sucked on his neck hard enough to bruise, but he couldn’t reach the bag he’d brought with him from the car.

“Jared,” Jensen groaned, pushing on Jared’s shoulder.

Jared pulled back, looking down at Jensen with hooded eyes. “What?” he asked, before dropping another kiss to Jensen’s lips. Then another, and another, until they were kissing again, deep and dirty.

“God, Jared.” Jensen gasped. “The bag…we need the bag.”

“What bag?”

“The one with the lube in it.”

That got Jared’s attention and he pulled off Jensen abruptly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing… I just… are you sure? I mean, are you up for it?”

Jensen looked down knowingly at Jared. “By the looks of it, we both are.”

“I’m serious, Jensen. You know you don’t have to do this. There are plenty of ways we can have fun without… you know…”

“Fuckin’ me in the ass.”

Jared was taken aback so Jensen continued, “I never pegged you as the bashful type, Jared.”

“It’s not that. I just… fuck, I don’t want to be like Adam.”

Jensen stiffened at the name and Jared hurried to explain. “Shit, I keep fuckin’ this up. I mean, I just don’t want you to feel like you have to please…”

“Jared,” Jensen interrupted, “I want this. I do.”

Jared nodded as Jensen sat up to fetch the bag, which was actually lying above his head, and dumped the contents out onto the blanket next to them. Inside, there was a box of condoms, a bottle of lube, and two votive candles.

Jared smirked at the sight of the candles.

“Aww, Jensen. You got us candles. How romantic.”

“Shut up,” Jensen growled, and reached for the lube. “I thought it might be really dark out here.”

Jared smiled and chuckled lightly. His expression grew serious though when Jensen popped the cap off the bottle of lube. He watched silently as Jensen squirted a generous amount onto his fingers.

Jensen motioned for Jared to move. “You’re gonna have to give me some room to work.”

Jared slid off Jensen and onto his side, and Jensen was just reaching between his legs to prepare himself, when Jared suddenly grabbed a hold of his wrist.

“Wait.”

Jensen’s brow furrowed. “Now what?” he asked.

Jared’s eyes dropped nervously to Jensen’s hand, his thumb stroking once over the smooth skin of Jensen’s wrist. “I just thought… well… that maybe you could fuck me. You know…if you want to.”

Jensen’s eyes widened. That was not what he expected to hear.

“Really?”

Jared nodded. “I just don’t want you to assume that you can’t. I mean, if this is the way you want it, well…I’m all for that. But I want to make sure you know that you can. If you want to.”

Jensen had honestly never considered it. He _had_ just assumed that he would bottom. He always did before. Of course, he’d never really been given the choice before either.

“Do you want me to?”

Jared only paused for a second. “Well, I’ve never done it before, but yeah. I do.” He looked up into Jensen’s eyes. “Do you want to?”

Well, that was an easy question.

“Oh hell, yeah.”

Jared smiled, dimples showing, as he leaned in to brush a light, teasing kiss across Jensen’s lips. “Ok then,” he said, and laid back on the blankets. Still holding Jensen’s wrist, he guided Jensen’s lube slick fingers down between his legs.

“Just go slow.”

At the first touch, Jensen was suddenly nervous. He swallowed hard. This was a big deal. Jared trusted him, and Jensen wasn’t going to let him down.

“I’ll make it good,” Jensen promised.

Jared smiled and nodded. “I know you will.”

 

Jared fell asleep quickly afterwards, but Jensen was too wound up to relax. He pressed close to Jared, resting his chin on his chest and tracing random patterns on Jared’s flat stomach. He watched as his muscles twitched and smiled, wondering if Jared was ticklish. He traced his finger up Jared’s bare chest, over his left nipple. Jared stirred at the sensation but didn’t wake. His arm unconsciously wound tighter around Jensen though, pulling him into his side, and Jensen threw his leg over Jared’s as he continued to trail his finger over his boyfriend’s neck.

The tip of his finger continued up over Jared’s throat, over what Jensen thought would be the perfect place to mark him. He liked the idea of his mark on Jared, right where everyone could see. They didn’t need to hide anymore and Jensen’s body flushed at the thought of the way Jared had sucked and nibbled on his collarbone during their stolen moments away from the staff.

When his thoughts turned to the staff at Riverview, at the way they had watched him, forced him to take those stupid pills, he felt a warm rush of relief at getting away from there.

He didn’t want to think about Riverview. Just the thought of that place made his stomach twist in uncomfortable knots, so he turned his concentration back to Jared, back to studying the curve of his cheekbone, the angles of his face, the way his eyelids fluttered in his sleep.

Jensen lay there till morning, only getting up when the sun started to rise.  
His mind was racing, so many thoughts, he couldn’t keep up with them. Jared—the way they’d made love. He knew that’s what they’d done. This was so much more than just fucking, more than just getting each other off. And what were they going to do now? Where were they going to go? North? South? The birds were too fucking loud, flying too close, and the sun was too bright. He thought about Gabe, wondered if he was ok. God, he wished those damned birds would just shut up.

The rays of the sun were so bright Jensen had to shield his eyes. The golden light cast an eerie glow on the sand. The moving shadows made Jensen nervous. His heart started to pound so hard it hurt his chest, and he rubbed the muscle there with the palm of his hand.

The shimmering light was coming closer. That wasn’t good. He couldn’t let the light reach him, reach Jared, so he shook Jared’s shoulder to wake him up.

“Come on, Jay. We gotta go.”

Jared stretched and yawned, rubbing the ball of his fist in his eye like a little kid. He wasn’t moving fast enough, the sun was coming, so Jensen shook him again before standing up and pulling the blanket off, exposing Jared’s legs to the cool morning air.

“Hey…” Jared grumbled, reaching to take the blanket back.

Jensen held it up out of his reach and Jared flopped back down onto his back.

“Come on. Get up. We gotta get out of here,” Jensen folded the blanket up and kicked Jared’s foot with his own. The sun was coming up faster now and Jared was still stretching, still wearing only his boxers.

“Get dressed. We have to go.”

“What’s the hurry?” Jared asked, as Jensen threw his jeans and t-shirt at him.

Jensen didn’t answer him and thankfully Jared didn’t argue, he simply stood and pulled his clothes on without saying a word.

Jensen shook the sleeping bag out, casting nervous glances over his shoulder at the sunlight. It would reach them soon, maybe minutes. Throwing the sleeping bag at Jared, Jensen grabbed the pillows and blanket, and started making his way up the hill, away from the light.

“Damn it, Jared. Hurry up.” Jensen snapped over his shoulder as he made his way quickly toward the car.

“What’s the rush?” He heard Jared ask again, but Jensen ignored him in favor of throwing their stuff in the back of the car.


	3. Chapter Three

They were able to go for three days on the gas that was in the station wagon when they took it, and they had just enough money to fill it up one more time. Most nights they slept in the back of the car, and other nights they were able to sleep on the beach. They were only on the road four more days before the wagon ran out of gas again. When it did, they took what they could carry and started walking. Every time a car would drive by, Jensen would stick his thumb out in the hope that someone would stop.

While they walked, Jensen talked. He knew he was talking a lot, Jared could barely get a word in, but he couldn’t help it. The words just came flooding out, and sometimes he spoke so fast he could barely keep up himself, making him lose his train of thought in the middle of a sentence.

He told Jared about his mother, and her real-estate business. About his little sister, and how they had nothing in common. He told the story about how he fell out of a tree when he was nine and broke his arm. Don’t ask him how that even came up. And then he talked about his Dad.

“My Dad was super cool. He’s an architect…I told you he’s an architect, right? Well, anyways, We would spend hours drawing. He had this great studio. I remember his studio, it was blue. Blue’s a safe color, don’t you think?” Before Jared could do anything but shrug, Jensen was off again. “He taught me how to draw. He loved to paint and draw. Hey, is that a roadrunner?”

Jared turned to look in the direction Jensen was pointing. “Umm…I don’t think so.”

“It doesn’t matter. Man, I used to love the road runner cartoon. When I was a kid, you know? Did you ever watch that? Well, anyways, my Dad taught me to paint and to draw. He always encouraged me. Told me I was really good."

“You are.” Jared said, but Jensen wasn’t listening.

“I’m totally going to be famous one day. I know it,” he said. “One day, I’m going to have this huge exhibition. And people will love my drawings so much that they’ll come from all over the world to see them. And they’ll be so good, Jared, people will just stare. And if someone’s hurting, they can just come see my paintings, and they’ll be healed. Like, their souls will be healed. Or if they’re sick, they can just come to my opening and they’ll be all better.”

Jensen snapped another picture of Jared. He’d been taking pictures of Jared and the scenery ever since they had to ditch the car. “You know, maybe someday I’ll put these up in a gallery.” Jensen said, before snapping another picture of the road ahead of them. “I’m definitely going to have a gallery.”

Jensen was giddy with the thought, practically bouncing on his toes. Even though they had been walking for hours, and he had barely slept the night before, Jensen wasn’t even the least bit tired. In fact, he was practically bursting with energy. Every day Jared would make some kind of comment about how he didn’t know how Jensen did it. Jared had gotten a full night’s sleep the night before, and still he was dragging.

“No one would ever guess you’ve been awake for almost 24 hours.” Jared said, amazed.

Jensen thought about that. “24 hours? Really?” It didn’t feel like that long. “I feel fine.” And he did. He felt alert and excited to be out on the road with Jared, to have their whole lives ahead of them, the freedom to go anywhere and do anything. But Jared was exhausted, so when a car finally pulled over and offered them a ride, they didn’t hesitate to accept.

It was dark, but Jensen got a pretty good look at the driver when he opened the door and the car’s interior light came on. He was about 40, with prematurely graying hair, and he had on those little wire rimmed glasses that Jensen always thought made you look like a tax accountant.

“I’m Dave,” the man said, as Jensen made himself comfortable in the passenger seat. Jensen introduced them both, as Jared climbed into the back with their bags. It wasn’t long, though, before Jared had his long legs stretched out along the seat. He was fast asleep within a few mintues.

“We’ve been walking a while,” Jensen explained.

Jensen still wasn’t tired, though. So Jensen talked to Dave to pass the miles while Jared slept.

The man seemed nice enough. He listened while Jensen talked about anything and everything. He just smiled and nodded, and occasionally asked a question or two—like where they were headed, and how old they were. Jensen told him the truth about not really knowing where they were going. That they were just looking to get away.

They’d only been driving for about 30 minutes, when Dave reached over Jensen’s lap for the glove compartment. He popped it open and the first thing Jensen saw was a gun.

_Holy shit._

But Dave didn’t reach for the weapon. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes instead and then shut the compartment door.

“You want one?” he asked Jensen, who shook his head.

Dave nodded and lit his cigarette, exhaling enough smoke into the car to make Jensen cough.

“You two run away from home?”

“Ummm…sort of. I guess you could say that.”

“He your boyfriend?” Dave asked, and Jensen nodded.

“You been together long?”

“No, but it feels like we have.”

Jensen cast a fond look back at Jared, who was sprawled out on his back in the rear seat, using his coat for a pillow.

“What are you two doing for money?”

“We don’t have any. That’s why we’re hitching. But we’ll figure something out, take things as they come.”

Jensen looked out the window. The sky was clear and the stars seemed to twinkle, leaving trails in their wake as they moved around the sky. Jensen’s leg began to twitch and he rubbed his hands anxiously on his jeans. There were out in the middle of nowhere. All around them there was nothing but blackness and Jensen couldn’t help wondering just what was out there that he couldn’t see.

Jensen was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Dave slowing down until the car was driving along the shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Jensen asked, but Dave just continued driving. He drove off the road a little ways and out into the desert before he finally stopped the car.

“Where are we?” Jensen asked as Dave put the car in park and turned to look at him.

The man only smiled and laid his arm over the back of the seat, the way Jared had. Jensen liked the way Jared had stroked his hair, the back of his neck, but the touch of Dave’s fingers on his skin made Jensen jump and slide over closer to the door.

“What are you doing?”

When Dave couldn’t reach his neck anymore, his hand dropped to Jensen’s thigh. Jensen stiffened as the man’s hand began to move up and down Jensen’s denim covered leg.

Dave darted a look over the back of the seat at Jared. When he saw Jared was still out, he said, “I thought maybe we could make a little deal.”

“What?”

“You need money, right?”

Jensen nodded, and Dave smiled. But it wasn’t the friendly smile he had used before. The older man licked his lips and squeezed Jensen’s thigh, making him jump. In the light of the dash Jensen could barely make out the man’s features but he could feel his hand as it kneaded the meat of Jensen’s thigh between his fingers.

“I don’t…” Jensen tried to say, but before he could get the words out, Dave’s hand moved and Jensen felt something brush against his mouth.

“Shhh…” Dave said, stroking one finger over Jensen’s bottom lip. Jensen flinched and turned his face to the side. He pushed Dave’s hand away. “Don’t touch me.”

Before Dave could even respond, the whole car shook with the force of one of the back doors being flung open. Jared didn’t say a word as he got out, he just grabbed a hold of the driver’s side door and yanked it open. Dave wasn’t wearing a seatbelt so he went easily when Jared took a hold of his arm and pulled.

“What the…” Dave cried out as he was pulled roughly from the car.

Jensen could only watch Dave’s ass hit the ground. He sat frozen as Jared’s first punch connected and Dave’s body dropped with a hard thunk.

When Jensen finally managed to climb out of the car, he had no idea how many times Jared had hit the man. A half dozen maybe. Maybe more.

Dave was rumpled on the ground and Jared was on top of him, livid, and yelling, “Fucking son of a bitch! Fuckin’ think you can touch him…you fuckin’…”

Dave’s face was a bloody mess, along with Jared’s hands, and the sight of blood spraying from the older man’s mouth jerked Jensen out of his shock.

“Jared! Stop!” he tugged on Jared’s shoulders, but Jared didn’t seem to hear him. He tried to punch Dave again but this time Jensen grabbed a hold of his arm. “Stop. You’ll kill him…”

That got Jared’s attention. He spun around, wide eyed, before quickly stepping back.

“Oh my God,” Jared looked from his bloody hands to Dave’s ruined face.

“Shit. Holy shit,” he said as he swayed on his feet. He was clearly in some kind of shock as he continued to gape at his hands, at his broken and bloody knuckles.

Jensen hoped Dave was still breathing and let go of Jared long enough to check. As Jensen checked for the man’s pulse, Jared’s legs gave out on him and he collapsed into the dirt. He continued to mutter a stream of “Shit…oh God…holy shit…” as he sat and watched as Jensen check over Dave’s body.

“He’s alive,” Jensen exhaled in relief, as Jared stared, his face blank. He didn’t move as Jensen rose to go back to the car to look for Dave’s cell phone.

Jared was still staring blankly at the body of the injured man as Jensen dialed 911.

“Yeah, a man’s been beaten. He’s hurt pretty bad. I think he needs an ambulance.”

Jared began making a high-pitched whining noise and dropped his head into his hands. He rocked back and forth, shaking his head and mumbling incoherently as Jensen told the operator where they were.

It wasn’t till he hung up and returned to Jared’s side that it really hit him what had happened here. Dave was laying on the ground, unconscious, his face a nearly unrecognizable mess. His blood was all over Jared’s hands. Some had even gotten on his face. And there were people coming. An ambulance. Police. They had to get out of there. Jared would be arrested. Jensen couldn’t let that happen.

“Jared, man, we gotta go. We gotta get out of here. The police are coming.”

He tried to get Jared to stand but the other boys legs wouldn’t seem to hold him up.

“Jared, please. We can’t be here when they get here. Get up!”

When Jared still didn’t move, Jensen kneeled down in front of him and took his face in his hands. He forced Jared to meet his eyes. “Please get up. They’ll arrest you. They’ll take you away. Please, Jared. I don’t want to lose you.”

That seemed to get through to him because Jared nodded shakily and let Jensen help him awkwardly to his feet.

Jensen led Jared to the car and put him in the passenger seat before returning to Dave.

The man was still unconscious and Jensen hated to leave him. What if the ambulance got lost? What if it couldn’t find him? But they couldn’t stay. Jensen knew that without a doubt, so he pulled off his over shirt and draped it over Dave’s shoulders. “Sorry,” he whispered, and went back to the car. He would call 911 again once they were a little further away to make sure the man had been found.

 

Jensen drove until he found a gas station. Luckily, there wasn’t anyone around to see Jensen drag a sweaty, dirty, and bloody Jared out of the car and into the rest room.

Jared still wasn’t talking and as soon as they got inside the bathroom, he slid his backside down the wall until it reached the floor. He dropped his head and his hair fell to cover his eyes, but it couldn’t hide the fact that the rest of his body was shaking.

Jensen wet a bunch of paper towels and sat down on the floor in front of Jared. Taking one of Jared’s hands lightly into his own he said, “Jared, it’s ok.”

Jared shook his head and hissed when Jensen pressed the cold paper towel to his battered knuckles.

“I told you. The ambulance found the guy. He’ll live. He’s gonna be ok.”

Jared still didn’t say anything and Jensen continued to wipe the blood off his boyfriend’s knuckles.

Once he was finished, he simply held Jared’s hands in his own. Jared was still trembling and he still hadn’t said a word.

“Are you ok?” Jensen asked, keeping his voice soft.

Jared shook his head. When he looked up at Jensen, Jensen could see tear tracks running through the dirt on his cheeks

“No,” Jared said, finally breaking his silence. “No…I’m not ok. I could have ki…killed him, Jensen.”

“But you didn’t.”

Jared’s expression crumpled and he pulled one hand away from Jensen to wipe it across his face, smearing dirt on his cheeks.

“I wanted to,” he said, so softly Jensen could hardly hear him. “That’s the worse it’s ever been.”

“The worse what’s ever been?”

Jared sniffled and wiped his nose. “Sometimes I get so…so angry…that all I want to do is hurt somebody—my father, some jerk at school.” Jared paused and took a deep breath. “I put that kid in the hospital, Jensen. And now…” He was crying freely now. “There’s something wrong with me, Jensen.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say. He crawled over next to Jared and put his arm around him. Jared clung to Jensen’s shirt and made a small, hurt sound that broke Jensen’s heart.

“It’ll be ok.” Jensen said, trying to soothe. “It’ll be ok.”

 

Jensen found Dave’s wallet in his car and after getting Jared settled in the front seat, he ran into the convenience store next to the gas station and got them both something to eat. Then he drove until he saw a little motel where they could stop for the night.

In the bathroom off their room, Jensen cleaned Jared’s hands properly and told him to strip.

He followed Jared into the shower and gently washed him clean, removing all traces of blood and dirt.

Jared put his face under the spray and Jensen wrapped his arms around him from behind. He kissed Jared’s shoulder once, then again, and ran his hands down Jared’s chest, over his flat stomach. Jared was half hard and when Jensen took his cock in his hand, Jared dropped his head back and shivered.

Jensen stroked him, slow and gentle, and kissed his way across Jared’s shoulder blades, nuzzled his nose in the back of Jared’s wet hair.

Jared’s cock hardened in his hand, and Jensen pushed his hips forward enough to rub his own erection against Jared’s ass.

He felt Jared shiver again and hear him choke out, “Jensen…”

“Shhh…” Jensen soothed, and turned Jared around to face him. Jared’s eyes were still red from crying and the pain and fear in his eyes broke Jensen’s heart..

“Jensen…I…”

Jensen shushed him again and ran his hand through Jared’s wet hair, pushing his bangs back away from his eyes. Jared dropped his head back against the wall as Jensen kissed and licked his way up Jared’s throat. He kissed Jared’s jaw, his chin, the corner of his mouth. Jared was completely hard now, and Jensen continued to stroke him lovingly, peppering kisses across his chest.

Jared whimpered when Jensen’s thumb slid over the head of his cock, making Jensen smile. This is all he wanted, to make Jared feel good. But when he started to drop to his knees, Jared’s hand closed around his bicep, pulling him back up.

“You don’t have to do that.” Jared’s voice was wrecked, and he had to clear his throat to continue. “I’ll be all right.”

Jensen pressed a light kiss to Jared’s lips and then took his face in his hands. “Just let me take care of you.”

When Jared nodded, Jensen kissed him again, and dropped to his knees.

 

They stopped at a McDonalds the next morning for breakfast. The place was pretty crowded so Jensen went to get a seat for them while Jared got in line for their food.  
Jensen doesn’t like the crowd. It made him feel closed in and the sound of the people talking and the kids yelling was grating on his nerves. Maybe he’d ask Jared if they could take their food outside.

When he looked for Jared, he found him in line talking to a girl. The girl was slim and pretty and she was all smiles for Jared. Jensen watched as Jared smiled back and stooped down a little, leaning into her.

_What the fuck? Is Jared flirting?_

Jared threw his head back and laughed at something the girl said, dimples showing as he grinned at her.

_Son of a bitch…_

Anger flared hot in Jensen’s chest. He didn’t think Jared would do that do him.

_Of course he would. You actually thought he was going to be satisfied with someone like you?_

Jensen did. He actually did. What the fuck was he thinking?

Jensen stood up and pushed through the crowed, trying to get to the bathroom. Once inside, he leaned on the counter and looked at his reflection in the mirror. There was a pressure in his head, like a wire tightening around his skull. His temples began to throb and Jensen bent down to splash water on his face. When he stood up, his reflection was staring at him. Jensen’s heart leapt in his chest, pounding and pounding, more savagely with each passing second.

The reflection in the mirror narrowed its eyes menacingly.

“What?” Jensen asked it sharply. The reflection smirked at him.

_He was just using you._

Jensen shook his head. “No, he wasn’t.”

_Come on. He knew what a good little whore you were for Adam and Brady. And you would have given it up for Dave, too. If he hadn’t saved you._

“No, I wouldn’t have.”

The reflection laughed like that was the funniest thing it had ever heard.

_Oh please. You’re so pathetic. Like you could have stopped him. Any of them._

“Shut up.” Jensen growled.

_You took such good care of those men. Like you took care of Jared last night, right?_

“No. It wasn’t like that.”

The refection laughed again.

_Jared never really cared about you. He was just waiting around to fuck your sorry ass, and now that he has…_

“Shut up!” Jensen screamed and slammed his fist into the mirror. It cracked, but Jensen could still see the mocking face through the spider web of broken glass. Jensen’s hand hurt but he ignored the pain and swung again. “Shut up!” The glass splintered this time under the blow, but the reflection only seemed to laugh harder and louder.

“Shut up! Shut up!” Jensen yelled as he punched the glass again and again.  
A large crack nearly split the mirror in two and there was blood all over.

Jensen couldn’t see the refection anymore but that didn’t stop it’s laugh from ringing in his ears. He pulled back for another swing but something stopped him. A firm hand around his arm jerked him back.

“Jensen!”

Jensen tried to pull away but Jared held on fast. He grabbed Jensen’s other arm and pinned him in place. “Jensen. Oh my God. What are you doing?”

Jared’s face slowly came into focus. He looked horrified.

The pounding in Jensen’s head felt like a herd of galloping horses, beating against the inside of his skull. His legs gave out on him and he dropped to the floor. Jared went with him, begging Jensen to tell him what’s wrong, but Jensen couldn’t speak. Tears ran down his face and he was powerless to stop them or the shuddering sobs that broke free.

He heard a woman’s voice ask what happened and a man offer to call the police.

“No!” Jared shouted. He wrapped his arms around Jensen, cradling him against his chest. “No! Jensen…Jensen. Can you hear me?”

Jared sounded frantic and Jensen tried to nod, but he was shaking so hard Jared probably missed it. He couldn’t stop crying but Jared was there. Everything would be ok now.

Jared dragged Jensen up off the floor and said, “Move!” as he pushed through the group of people hovering in the doorway and the hall outside.

Blood was running down Jensen’s arm and his hand hurt like hell as he tried to stand and walk.

“Jesus Christ, Jen,” Jared muttered as he pulled him through the door to outside and over to the car.

Jensen collapsed in the passenger seat and looked up to see that several people had followed them outside.

“Jared threw the car into reverse and peeled out of the parking lot, narrowly avoiding hitting another car on its way in.

“Jensen,” Jared said, as they sped away from the restaurant. “what the fuck happened?”

Jensen didn’t answer. He just stared down at the blood soaking into his jeans. His head was foggy and he felt like he could fall asleep but he still couldn’t stop trembling.

“Let me see your hand,” Jared said.

Jensen realized that he was hunched over in the seat, his fist pressed to his chest. He sat up and showed Jared the damage.

“Jesus. What the fuck, Jen? Why…God, why would you do that? I should take you to the hospital.”

Jensen shook his head violently. “No. Please, don’t.”

“Fuck!” Jared slammed the palm of his hand against the steering wheel.

“Sorry…” Jensen mumbled.

Jared just shook his head, like he just didn’t know what to say.

Jensen didn’t know what else to say either. He didn’t know how he could explain and make Jared understand.

 

Jensen refused to go to the hospital so Jared reluctantly found them a motel room.

When they got inside, Jared immediately wanted to inspect Jensen’s hand.

Jensen was a little shaky, but he managed to walk on his own to the bed. He sat down and Jared kneeled in front of him.

Jensen’s knuckles were a deep purplish red color. When he opened his hand, pain shot up his arm and he winced. “Shit.”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed and prodded at Jensen’s hand, trying to feel if it was broken. He let out a relieved sigh when he saw that it wasn’t. “We make quite the pair, huh?” Jared said, laughing to himself as he held up his own injured hands.

Jensen tried to smile but the pain forced his head down and he stared at the carpet. His uninjured hand was twitching out of control and he balled it into a fist in an attempt to make it stop.

Jared went to the bathroom and came back with a bunch of rags and towels. He sat down on the bed next to Jensen.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen repeated as Jared took his fingers and tried to wipe the blood away as gently as he could. Jared didn’t say anything. He just concentrated on cleaning Jensen’s knuckles. He must have put soap on the one rag because it stung and Jensen hissed and drew his hand back instinctually.

“You gotta let me take care of _you_ now, Jen.”

Jensen winced, and not from the pain this time. He sat quietly until Jared wrapped Jensen’s whole hand in a clean washcloth. Jensen held it against his chest again as Jared returned the bloodied towels to the bathroom.

Jensen lay down on the bed and Jared joined him a minute later, wrapping his arm around him, and pulling him flush up against his side. Jensen felt a little better with Jared so close and turned over enough to bury his face in the warm crook of Jared’s neck. He breathed Jared in and sighed as he waited anxiously for him to say something.

Jared didn’t say anything though for a long time. Jensen was actually starting to drift off to sleep when he finally said, “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you have to tell me what happened.”

Jensen opened his eyes and stared at his mangled hand, ridiculously huge after being wrapped clumsily by Jared’s own still-healing hands.

Jared rubbed his fingers lightly over the back of Jensen’s neck and up into the short spikes of his hair. He left his hand there, slowing brushing Jensen’s hair through his fingers. It felt good.

Jensen’s body was so tired, all he wanted to do is sleep, but now his brain was going a mile a minute. How was supposed to explain? And what if Jared hated him afterward – finally realizing what a freak he hooked up with? No, Jared wouldn’t do that to him. He deserves to know. After everything Jensen did to him. After all the trouble he’s been, Jared deserved the truth.

There was a terrible bitterness in the back of Jensen’s throat as he tried to find the words to explain. When he spoke, his voice came out hoarse and broken. He cleared his throat and tried again. With his heart pounding out of his chest, Jensen whispered, “He said you were using me.”

“What?” Jared’s head snapped up and he looked down at Jensen, a mixture of anger and confusion in his eyes.

“He said…”

“Wait, who said?”

Jensen paused, knowing he was going to sound crazy. When he didn’t respond immediately, Jared repeated, “Jensen, who said?”

“The man in the mirror.”

Jared’s fingers stopped playing with Jensen’s hair and dropped to his shoulder.

When Jensen looked up at him, Jared was staring at the ceiling, mouth open in a silent O.

Afraid he would lose his nerve, Jensen forced the words out. “He said that you were just using me…for sex. That you didn’t really care about me. That one of these days you were going to realize what a fuck up I am and you’ll…”  
He couldn’t continue. The words were frozen in his throat.

Jared tightened his arm around Jensen and pulled him closer into his side.

“Is that what you think?”

“No!” Jensen was quick to say, but then he paused and said, sounding unsure. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“That’s what… the man in the mirror said, though?”

“Yeah.”

Jensen tried to focus on the sensation of Jared’s rapid heartbeat against his cheek. He tried not to think about the reflection – what it had said, and the rage and hurt that tore through him over the words.

“What else did he say?” Jared asked.

No. Jensen couldn’t tell him about that.

“Nothing,” he lied, but he was holding himself so rigid in Jared’s arms that he knew Jared didn’t buy it for a second.

“It’s ok. You can tell me the truth.”

Jensen shuddered. “He said that… he said horrible things and I just wanted to shut him up.”

“So you punched… him.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s gone now. There’s just me… You’re safe with me.”

 

When Jensen finally fell asleep Jared was still curled around him, but when he woke later, Jared was gone.

Jensen’s whole body hurt, his hand especially, so he took a couple more of the pain pills Jared got him, hoping they would help. He had no idea how long he’d been asleep or when Jared might’ve left, so he checked the bathroom, but it was empty.

He did find a couple bags of chips on the table next to a bottle of water. Jensen gulped down the water, but left the chips. He didn’t think he could stomach them right now.

Jared would be back soon, Jensen told himself. He could do this, not panic. He sat down at the table and picked up the newspaper there. He tried to scan the headlines, but the words didn’t make any sense. They were just an unintelligible jumble of type.

Jensen pushed the paper away in disgust and leaned down to rest his head on the table.

What was wrong with him? Something was definitely wrong, he couldn’t deny it anymore.

Jensen lifted his head to find the room getting darker as the sun started to go down. He flipped on a lamp but the light thrown across the room was too bright, and there were twinkling stars on the edge of Jensen’s vision.

He turned the light off and tried the TV. The first channel was the news, and the broadcaster was talking about an incident at a McDonald’s two towns over. Shit.

The reporter was pretty, but she was wearing a red jacket, and red wasn’t safe, so he couldn’t listen to her.

The next channel was showing some kind of kids show. There was clown and he was doing tricks for a group of small children. He had on a curly, bright red wig and his jumpsuit had a big red collar over red and yellow stripes. Fuck, he was even wearing a red nose.

God, the red… it was fucking everywhere. Jensen couldn’t get away from it. He turned the TV off and threw the remote across the room.

Fuck, where is Jared? He needed to find Jared. Maybe he went to get coffee or something from the lobby.

When Jensen reached the lobby door he found it open, allowing nice gentle breeze into the no doubt stuffy office.

He could see Jared just inside, but he wasn’t getting coffee. He was on the phone. Who the hell was he talking to?

Jensen stepped just inside the door just as Jared was saying, “Yeah…something happened….Yeah, he’s really scaring me….No, they’ll just lock him up again….Yeah, I understand.”

Shit! Jared called his mother. He was going to let them take him back. Back to that prison. No! Jensen did the only thing he could think of, he ran. He took off down the side of the motel, frantically trying to think of someplace to go. He couldn’t stay here, not with Jared. Oh God, _Jared_. Jensen couldn’t breathe and everything started to spin wildly. He had to steady himself on the side of the building in order to keep from falling.

_I told you._

Fuck. Jensen couldn’t keep doing this. Somehow, he had to get away. Then it hit him, Dave’s gun, the one that was still in the glove compartment.

The gun was a .38 and it was heavier than Jensen thought it would be. A sense of calm washed over him as he sat on the bed back in their room, gun hanging loosely between his knees. Relief. All the fear and anxiety were gone and Jensen just sat there a minute, letting himself enjoy it. Then the door handle jiggled and he heard Jared outside say, “Jensen? The door’s locked.”

Of course he locked the door. He didn’t want Jared to see this.

Jared continued to pound on the wood. “Come on, Jensen. Open the door.”

Jensen didn’t respond. He opened the gun to make sure there was at least one bullet in there. One bullet. That was all it would take and then this would all be over. He’d have to use his uninjured hand to pull the trigger, his weaker hand, but he thought he could manage.

Jared wasn’t knocking anymore and the room went quiet.

_See, I told you he didn’t care. He’s gone so why don’t you just do it?_

Just another reminder of how fucked up he was. Jensen wondered if it would hurt. Or would it be so quick that he wouldn’t have a chance to feel anything?

He lifted the gun, studied it, felt the weight of it in his hand. Yeah, it would be quick.

He was raising the gun to his head when he heard a key turning in the door. Jensen looked up to see Jared looming in the doorway, with the hotel manager standing behind him. Shit.

When Jared saw the gun, his eyes widened and he sucked in a harsh breath.

“Jensen…”

“Go away Jared.”

The building manager was still standing in the doorway. “Holy shit,” the man said, when he spotted the gun.

Jared spun on the man and said, “Get out!” His tone left no room for argument and the manager turned on his heel. Jared shut the door behind him before turning back to Jensen.

“Jensen. Please… don’t.”

”I said go away.”

“Jensen…”

“Why did you call her?” Jensen asked, every ounce of hurt evident in his voice.

Jared’s face revealed his surprise that Jensen knew about that.

“Yeah, I know you called her. Why? Why did you do that?”

“I’m sorry. They don’t know where we are. I didn’t tell her.”

“Yeah right.”

“It’s the truth! I swear. I didn’t know what else to do. I was scared. But everything will be ok. Everything will work out, I promise.”

Jensen shook his head. “No, you can’t promise that,” he cried. “You’ll give up on me. They all do. I’m just too fucked up.”

“I’m fucked up, too, Jensen. I screwed up big time, but we can get through this… together. I love you.”

Jensen choked on his tears and took a deep breath. “You can’t love me.”

“Yes, I can. I love you.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I don’t want to be sick anymore.”

“You don’t have to. We can get help. We can _both_ get help.” Jared took a step forward.

“No, don’t!” Jensen yelled and Jared threw up his hands, stalling his approach.

“Please, Jensen. I’m begging you. Don’t do this.”

Jensen just stared at him. He wanted to listen. He wanted to believe, but he couldn’t.

The sound of a police siren coming closer jolted Jensen out of his thoughts. Jared heard it too. He turned to take a peek out the window and Jensen could see the red and blue flashing lights as they pulled up outside.

“Shit!”

Jensen lifted the gun to his head and Jared screamed, “No! Don’t! God, please, Jensen, don’t leave me!”

Jensen stopped, the gun halfway to his temple, and looked up at Jared. With tears pouring down his face, he said, “I can’t live like this anymore, Jared.”

“I swear you don’t have to. I swear. I love you. Please don’t throw everything we have away, like it means nothing. If you do, you might as well just kill me, too, cause I can’t do this without you.”

Outside, a policeman said though a bullhorn, “It’s ok son. We’re not here to hurt you. We’re only here to help. Please just put down the gun and come out.”

“Oh God, Jared…” Jensen crumbled, legs giving out on him. Jared rushed forward to catch him and the gun hit the floor with a loud thunk.

Jared wrapped his arms so tight around Jensen, nearly crushing him as he sobbed.

“I’m so… so scared.” Jensen choked out between gasping breaths.

Jared was crying now ,too, and buried his face in Jensen’s neck. His voice was muffled when he said, “Fuck, so am I. But we can do this. _Together_ , ok?”

Jensen nodded. He was trembling uncontrollably, injured hand cradled between him and Jared. “Together,” he said, swallowing back more tears. He drew back to take Jared’s face in his good hand. “I… I love you.”

Jared took a moment to relish the admission, before responding, “Now prove it to me.”

Jensen kissed him, deep and desperate, ignoring the policemen and everything in the outside world just for a moment.

When they finally came up for air, Jensen sighed, reality setting in like a wet blanket. “You know, they’re not just going to let us go.”

“Really?” Jared said. “And here I thought those sirens were for the two other escaped crazies in Room 3B.”

Jensen couldn’t help but laugh at that. And then Jared was laughing, too, until they were both nearly hysterical with it. Things might actually be ok. No, they _would_ be ok. He could do this. _They_ could do this. And this time, the voice didn’t argue.

Hand in hand they opened the motel room door, ready to face their future, together.


End file.
